Breathe No More
by rentemotion
Summary: I grew up around vampires, maybe thats the reason for my morbid fascination with seeing my own blood. Between the therapist, and the anti-depressants life is pretty crazy right now...no pun intended...
1. Overdrive

Disclaimer: Oh how I wished I owned Moonlight...

Yeah yeah I'm independence  
Yeah yeah I'm borderline  
Yeah yeah I'm California  
My minds all screwed and upside down  
But my hearts on overdrive  
Yeah my hearts on overdrive

I need to take a shower when I look at you  
You sting and hurt like a bad tattoo  
I wish you'd change my point of view  
I cruise the canyon to get some breeze  
With hidden treasures up my sleeve  
I like the light and hate the heat  
But I'll lick the blood right off your street  
-Overdrive by Katy Rose-

"_So how's hell?"_

I sighed into the phone. "I don't know Celeste...how does it feel to get your eye spooned out?"

_"Hurts a lot..."_

"Well there you go..."

She laughed. "_My dear Belinda it can't be that bad."_

I rolled over on my bed and stared at the ceiling, yea, it can be that bad. Being stuck at my fathers house for the weekend is like being thrown into the gates of hell.

"They are trying to make me go to church..."

She gasp sarcastically. "_The nerve!"_

"It's not funny! They want me to be all...involved...with their church...even though I told them my kind isn't accepted at churches..."

She laughed again. "_Your kind?"_

"Yes my kind, the tattooed, pierced, bi-sexual, cussing, drinking to much, smoking more than I should American teenager."

She laughed. "_Well, maybe their church does...just because you've been kicked out of every church you've ever gone to, doesn't mean that this church will kick you out."_

"It's a backwoods Baptist church...they're still stuck in the 1700 century! Women wear dresses for God's sake! Do they know women have rights now? Do they know we can vote? We can even go to college!"

"_Honey, listen to me, it's not all that bad...I go to church sometimes..."_

"But that's your choice! I have no desire to go!" I pouted and dropped my head down on my arms.

"_I pity you, I do, but there is no way you can get out of it...so why not at least have some fun with it?"_

I smiled. "What? Wear a tube top and mini skirt?"

She laughed. _"And don't forget the happy flask."_

I laughed. "Duly noted...I better go, I now only have fifteen minutes to get ready...love you!"

"_Love you too!"_

I hung up and dropped the phone.

I sound like a spoiled brat, I knew that, but when you've been kicked out of every church you've ever been to it tends to make you a little put off by the thought of church. It's always for the same reasons. I have tattoos, piercings and the fact that my mother had me when she was 16...apparently it's un-Christan like. Well screw that.

I crawled off the large bed with a sigh. My dad's house was my own little preview of hell. I didn't even know my father until I was 13, the first time I met him was in a courtroom, him trying to take me from my mom. He said that my mother had kept me from him. Which was bullshit, he didn't want anything to do with me, when he found out my mom was pregnant, he ran. And now apparently, he 'found God' and realized the wrongs in his life. He says my mother is a bad influence, that she made me hate him, she made me a 'tattooed whore'.

Yea, my father calls me a tattooed whore.

But I don't let it bother me, I've come to live for him and his wife disapproving of my actions. They're so afraid that I'm going to turn their 'precious' daughters into a smaller versions of me. I personally think it's impossible, I swear they are what the two wicked stepsisters were based off of in Cinderella.

I swung open the doors of my closet and started digging for some clothes to wear. I would never be ready in fifteen minutes...it was impossible. It takes me thirty minutes alone to tame the wild mane of hair on my head.

I slipped on the short black skirt and threw the blue tank top on. I guess I'd have to go the natural way this morning. No make up, and my black hair being a curly mess.I grabbed the black stilettos out and ran to the mirror. The blue shirt seemed to make my blue eyes stand out even more against my pale skin.

I ran a brush through my hair and it only seemed to make the curls curl even more.

"Dammit!" I decided to just throw it up in a messy pony tale.

I heard my dad yelling at me from down the stairs, I knew the only way he'd let me leave the house this way was if I waited till the last minute to run down the stairs. I waited five more minutes before going down the stairs.

He gave me a disapproving look.

"What?" I asked innocently.

He just shook his head and walked me out the door.

-3 Hours Later-

"I still say I did nothing wrong!"

"You were smoking outside of the church!"

I cocked my head to the side. My dad glared down at me angrily.

"So, there were several people out there smoking..."

"You're 17!"

I smiled. "Correction, I'm about to be 18."

My phone went off in my purse and I answered it.

"Salut maman!"

_"Hello love! How are you?"_

I groaned and walked away from my dad, I heard him yelling at me as I went up the stairs but I ignored it.

"I'm with dad, how do you think I am."

My mom sighed. _"I'm sorry love..."_

"Whatever...I'm over it...you sound really tired."

She sighed again. "_I'm afraid Josef is working my ass off."_

I laughed. "Yes because that didn't sound dirty at all...you're his secretary..there are certain stereotypes that go along with that."

I didn't even have to see her to know she was glaring at me. "_Oh fuck you, you're just jealous because I get to work in the precense of such a hot guy."_

I rolled my eyes. "The fact that you noticed your boss is hot is slightly disturbing..."

_"I'm 33, not blind, there is nothing wrong with noticing my boss is hot."_

"My therapist would disagree...she says you're to immature to be a mother."

_"Oh whats new about that, I've been hearing that since the day you popped out."_

I grimaced. "Not a visual I would like to have..."

She laughed. _"Sorry, was that bad for your mental health? I seem to forget how delicate it is."_

"Haha, it's only delicate because you seem to enjoy torturing me."

_"Whatever, I have to go...Josef is calling me, when you leave their house today, come up and see me, this weekend has been boring without you."_

I smiled. "Will I get to see Josef?"

She laughed. _"Maybe." _Then she hung up.

I sat there with a smile.

Anyone would have to be blind to not be attracted to her boss, it's not my fault I have a thing for beautiful men.

I looked over at the clock, 12:30.

Six and a half hours left until I can leave. I fell back on the bed with a groan.

Submit Review Report Possible Abuse Add Story to Favorites Add Story to Story Alert Add Author to Favorites Add Author to Author Alert Add Story to C2 Archive 1. Overdrive2. Ohio Is For Lovers3. Girl Anachronism4. Breathe5. A Womans Worth6. Vulnerable7. Thank You8. Someday We'll Know9. Linger10. Probably Wouldn't Be This Way11. 9 Crimes12. Build God, Then We'll Talk13. Mary Jane14. Everybodys Fool15. Fallin16. Come Together17. Don't Let It Go To Your Head18. You Were Meant For Me19. Happiness Is A Warm Gun20. God Bless The Child21. Seasons Of Love 


	2. Ohio Is For Lovers

**Note: Okay, so the 'mind set' of the character in this chapter is me a few years ago, don't worry, I don't think like this anymore! :D Also thanks to Tobie for being my beta last night!**

And I can't make it on my own.  
(And I can't make it on my own.)  
Because my heart is in Ohio.  
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.  
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)  
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.  
Because you kill me.  
You know you do, you kill me well.  
You like it too, and I can tell.  
You never stop until my final breath is gone.  
Spare me just three last words.  
"I love you" is all she heard.  
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.  
-Ohio Is For Lovers by Hawthorne Heights-

When I walked into the office, I could see that her desk was empty. I walked over and sat behind it, there was a piece of paper with dinner orders written on it.

"She left to get us dinner about five minutes ago..." I looked up to see Sandra walking from the back, she had a towel to her wrist. I smiled.

"Josef hungry?"

She shook her head. "Not anymore." My mom had been working for Josef since I was eight, she used to be a freshie, but now she's to old for his taste and he made her his secretary.

I watched Sandra with a morbid amusement. Josef had good taste in women...

"Stop drooling Belinda, it's not becoming." I looked up to see Josef standing in front of my mom's desk. I smiled.

"What can I say, I stare if I like what I see."

He shook his head. "That's disturbing coming from you."

I laughed and stood up. "What? You don't find girl on girl action appealing?"

I walked out onto the patio and he followed me. "I find it very appealing, but when it's someone that you knew when they were 8...it's a little disturbing."

I smiled again. "My dad finds the whole situation disturbing; he tells me I'm going to hell."

"Your father sounds like a good guy."

I laughed at his sarcasm. "Oh, the best...he 'found God'..."

"Was he hiding behind the couch?"

I laughed. "I don't know. I'll have to ask him next time I go to their house."

I lit up a cigarette and he looked at me with a grimace. "You know those things kill you right?"

I shrugged. "Yea, because I'm so in love with life I want to live as long as I can." He shook his head. I saw his eyes lower to my arms. I put one out so he could fully see the scars.

"See? Still there! Nothing's changed."

"Two weeks in ICU."

I nodded. "Yeah, and a month in phsyc ward...next time I better cut deeper." He leaned against the rail opposite me.

"Do you talk like this in front of your mother?'

I nodded. "Yeah, all the time."

"And she hasn't done anything about it?"

"I go to a therapist and a psychiatrist, there really isn't much more she could do for me besides admitting me to a mental hospital." He raised an eyebrow at me. I just smirked and shook my head. "And no, she wont admit me to a mental hospital...she'd miss me to much."

"She'd miss you more if you were dead."

I shrugged. "What can I say, it's a lose/lose situation, she admits me, I'm out of the house and she goes nuts, she doesn't admit me and I die within the year...what can you do?"

"Are you really that interested in ending your own life?"

I smiled. "It's gonna happen, just haven't had the right timing yet."

"Why?"

"Because, I'm a control freak, and the way I see it. if I 'off' myself, that's the ultimate way of telling God 'screw you'." I looked at the "cancer stick" in between my fingers and smiled. "And this, is my back-up plan, if I don't do it...this will."

Before Josef could respond my mom poked her head out the door. She gave me a smile.

"Hey bébé, you hungry? I got you a salad, figured Satan wouldn't feed you."

I smiled at her and dropped the cigarette. I stepped on it with a smirk towards Josef, and then followed her inside.

-Three Hours Later-

"You do realize it's midnight, on a school night right?"

I leaned back in the chair and looked up at Josef. "Wow mommy, what strong arms you have? Have you been working out?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Forgive me for worrying about your academic life."

I smiled. "I'm an insomniac Josef, even if I was at home I wouldn't be asleep."

He sighed. "I didn't know that...how long?"

"Since I was 12..." He didn't ask anymore questions, he knew that year was bad for me. He also knew the reason why I've been and insomniac since then.

I smiled up at him. "It's cool Josef, I'm not going to turn into a weeping mess just because I brought up that age...I'm not that pathetic."

"You're not pathetic at all, and you wouldn't be pathetic for crying—thinking about that."

I smirked. "It was four, almost five years ago," I pointed out. "Yes, it would be pathetic to cry over it."

He shook his head. "Insert Dr.Phil-ish responds here."

I smiled sarcastically. "Well look who's getting familiar with pop culture...but I hate that fat bastard..."

He laughed. "Really?"

"Yea...I think he should die...like I really do; everyday I come home from school and I'm like 'hey, why don't I watch some TV?' so I turn it on and BAM there he is, just sitting there, all balding and annoying..." Josef laughed, louder than I'd ever heard him laugh before. I continued. "You know, my birthday is coming up, and you're rich, could you hire someone to 'off' him? Cause that would really be a great birthday present!"

He laughed again. "I would, but you see, that's illegal, and I really don't want to have the police breathing down my back."

I snapped. "Damn...why don't you just crush me completely, tell me Santa's not real, or that all dogs really don't go to heaven?"

He smiled. "You know, I think I should have more conversations with you, you tend to remind me that there is hope for this current generation."

I grinned. "What do you mean by that?"

"You're intelligent and aren't superficial."

I smiled. "Why Mr. Konstantin, are you hitting on me?"

He laughed. "Far from it, just being honest." He started walking back towards his office.

I yelled back at him. "Oh you want me and you know it!" I heard his laughter as he shut his office door.

-Later-

_Blood ran down my leg, but I ignored it. I stumbled towards the bathroom, shaking from the crying, and my stomach hurt. The bruises on my neck stood out against my pale skin. I quickly turned on the bath water, Mom would be here any minute, and she can't see me like this! She can't know what's happened, what's been happening...I took one last look in the mirror, and could help but wonder 'why me?' a 12 year old shouldn't have to go through this…_

"Bella? Belinda...hello?" I jumped and almost fell out of Mom's chair. My mom was staring down at me in amusement. "Hey, I guess you were dreaming...there was a lot of...uh...moaning going on...should I ask?

I shook my head and gave a fake smile. "No, not unless you want years of therapy like me."

She laughed. "I hate to kick you out, but school starts in two hours, you might want to get home and change."

I nodded and stood up groggily. "Fine, but it's only because you make me...otherwise I would have dropped out and become a stripper years ago..."

She laughed again. "Oh yeah, you'd be makin' the big bucks!"

"Hey you never know, T-Pain could write a song about me." I heard her still laughing when the elevator doors shut.

-Later-

"Whoever decided to put me in Algebra II for second hour is number one on my 'must kill list'...right before Dr.Phil."

Celeste laughed. "And Oprah..."

"Yeah," I grimaced. "Her too."

"Can't forget the women of 'The View', _annoying as fuck_!" Chela commented as she sat down next to us, she sighed. "School lunch, thank God for it."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Or the School Board...your choice..."

Chela glared at me. "I choose God, he's not a council full of culos tantos y quien son ignorantes..."

I laughed. "I'm guessing that's a derogatory comment..."

She nodded. "It is."

Celeste narrowed her eyes at us. She pointed at Chela. "NO Spanish..." Then she pointed at me. "And NO French, I'm the only person here who doesn't know a second language and you two speaking in another language makes me feel stupid...so stop it."

Me and Chela laughed.

"Je suis désolé l'amour." I said with a grin.

Chela smiled and turned to Celeste. "Lo siento mi amor."

"Fuck you, both of you, hard..." Celeste glared.

"Sorry honey, I don't swing that way..." Chela said with a smile.

I grinned and raised my hand sarcastically. "I do, I do!...But I didn't think you did! What new discoveries we make everyday!"

She flipped us off and went back to her lunch.


	3. Girl Anachronism

**Note: Wow, hard much? This fic is harder to write than I ever thought it would be to write. So tell me what you think.**

You can tell  
From the scars on my arms  
And the cracks in my hips  
And the dents in my car  
And the blisters on my lips  
That I'm not the carefullest of girls

You can tell  
From the glass on the floor  
And the strings that are breaking  
And I keep on breaking more  
And it looks like I am shaking  
But it's just the temperature  
But then again  
If it were any colder I could disengage  
If I were any older I would act my age  
But I don't think that you'd believe me  
It's not the way I'm meant to be  
It's just the way the operation made me  
-Girl Anachronism by The Dresden Dolls-

I woke up feeling my mom rub her hand across my cheek. When I opened my eyes I thanked God for the room being dim, my head was pounding.

Mom smiled down at me. "You always wake up on this date with a headache..." She handed me two Aleves and a glass of water.

I sat up and gave her a small smile. "And you always meet me with Aleve and a smile. " I took the pills and gulped down the water. I raised the glass in mock celebration. "Here's to another year of remembrance! Seriously! Let's throw a fucking party or something."

She gave me a weak smile. "At least it's gotten better, he's in jail for a long time..."

I nodded. "That's one of the only things to remind me that God does actually love me, no matter what dad says..."

She shook her head. "Your father's an asshole, don't worry about him!"

I smiled. "I don't..."

She leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. "Josef told me to take the day off, but I told him knowing you, you'd rather be alone..."

I nodded again. "You know me to well."

"I called the school, told them you were sick..."

"Well that's one way of looking at it I guess."

She gave me another sad smile. "I have some errands to run, then I'll probably head to work early, give you the house to yourself..."

I nodded and watched as she stood and walked out the room. I fell back on the bed holding back the tears with my eyes squeezed shut.

"March 30...can we just take it off the fucking calender completely?" I said, knowing there was no one to hear me.

I threw back the sheets and slowly crawled out of bed, my head was throbbing, it did every year, my therapist said it's my body preparing for the stress it knows I'll cause it today.

I walked into the bathroom and ran the tub water as hot as it would go, maybe it would scald the memories out? I doubted it, I've been doing this for five years now, and it hasn't so far.

I stripped down and took one look in the mirror, I'd changed so much since that scared little girl five years ago. My once smooth skin was covered in scars, tattoos and metals sticking in places they shouldn't be. My mother never questioned my obsession with piercing or body art. She knows that it's my way of feeling a slight control over my body. I turned away from the mirror and stepped into the bathtub.

-2 Hours Later-

_"_ _Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left!"_

I laughed at the TV, it was tradition, every year, on this date, I watch Monty Python and The Holy Grail. It made me feel a little better and allowed me to forget for a few hours.

I felt my phone vibrate next to me on the bed, I groaned and grabbed it.

"Josef, why are you calling me?"

_"Just checking on you."_

"I'm fine, I don't know why you and mom feel the need to call, I'm absolutely fine."

_"Because, last year, your mom didn't call you all day, and I decided to come over and check on you and found you in a bathtub full of water and your own blood, that's a vision I would rather not see again."_

I sighed. "Please, I'm so over the whole, trying to kill myself on March 30, really it's just over played."

_"Well forgive me for not believing you, I'm a little skeptical."_

"Don't be, I'm fine, really."

_"Okay..."_

"And I don't want you knocking on my door, your my moms boss, not my keeper."

He laughed. "_Am I not allowed to worry about my employees daughter?"_

"Nope, it's inappropriate, I mean what's next? You taking me to prom? Us going steady?"

_"I'm not a dance type."_

"Me neither, I only go to spike the punch bowl."

_"Such a good influence to have on the other children aren't we?"_

I smiled. "Yea, they're giving me an award next week, you know, 'World Biggest Under Aged Alcoholic" It will be great, you should be there."

_"I'll wear my best suit."_

I nodded with a smile. "Good, don't want to look to trashy, cause I got to tell ya, you looked a little run down the last time I saw you."

He laughed. "_Thanks for the warning...I better go, I just wanted to make sure you're alright."_

"I am...thanks for caring Josef."

He was quiet on the other end for a while. "_Anytime."_

-Later-

I watched the clock as the minutes passed by slowly. 8:23, 8:24, 8:25...

8:26.

My phone immediately started going off from the text messages I was getting, Chela and Celeste making sure I was okay. I ignored them as I normally do and turned back to the piano with the bottle of whiskey sitting on it.

"Another fucking year, another fucking waste."

I took a large gulp from the bottle and felt it burn the whole way down. I pounded out on the piano all the anger I was feeling, hoping for some form of relief without turning towards self mutilation. I felt like an idiot, I should be over this by now, it was five years ago, 1800 days, 26,253,000 minutes...how ever you looked at it, it was in the past and I should be able to get over it. But still, it haunts my every moment, every memory, I can't even remember my life before then, before that week of hell.

I was happy, I was innocent, I had no idea the horrors of the world besides my own stupid fears.

But he showed me what was really out there, he showed me it wasn't all that it seemed to be, the world wasn't a good place to be. He took my innocents and forced me to become an adult far to early, forced me to worry about things I shouldn't have to until I was much older.

No 12 year old should have to sit in a courtroom full of people and tell the story of how her best friends older brother raped her repeatedly...hell, no one, no matter what age should have to go through that.

He threatened me as they drug him away to jail, he said he'd kill me for ruining his life.

And at that time, I had welcomed the thought of death. That way I avoided the stares of pity from my family, the worried hugs, and the 'helpful' kisses. Trying to turn me back into that happy child I once was. But it was no use. I stopped sleeping, I fell hard into a depression, and nothing could seem to pull me from the black hole I had plunged myself into.

They sent me to a therapist, I was put on sleeping pills and heavy anti-depressants. Which was probably the wrong thing to do since I was so young, but they thought it was the only way to keep me alive.

"Four attempted suicides, hundreds of cutting, and countless carvings...yet here I fucking am."

It seemed as though my life was some cruel joke, I couldn't even end it.

I shook my head, I need to stop thinking about this, I'll do something stupid.

I looked over at the knife, it seemed as if it was glistening in the light. I sighed and grabbed for the bottle again. I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to hurt myself anymore.

I drank from the bottle, then put it back, taking one last look at the knife.

"The blood would ruin the piano...mom would have to get it cleaned...again..." Was all I kept saying as I picked up the knife. "I can't do it, I can't ruin the piano..."

"That's sad that the piano is the only thing keeping you from hurting yourself."

I smiled at the sound of his voice. "Well, it's not doing to good of a job at it...Cause I still want to do it."

I heard him walking over to me and he took the knife from my grasp. "Tough, go get dressed, you're coming up to the office."

I looked up at him. "Funny, I don't recall you being my mother."

Josef glared down at me. "Just because your mom trust you to be alone doesn't mean that I do."

I turned on the piano stool to stare up at him. "Why does it matter so much to everyone what I do to my own body?"

He grabbed my hand and lifted me up. He was barely five inches taller than me, but I still had to look up to meet his eyes. "Because, we care about you, and seeing you hurt yourself hurts us...now, go get dressed, I wont say it again."

I stood there in defiance. "I don't have to listen to you! You come in here and start bossing me around, just because my mom works for you doesn't mean that you own me!"

He bit his lip, keeping his anger in check. "I know that, but I'm not leaving you alone, so either go get dressed, or I'll dress you myself."

I laughed. "Josef, just go back to the office, I don't want you here." I turned and started to walk away, he grabbed my wrist and jerked me back to him.

"I don't care what you want. I'm not going anywhere...Whether you like it or not, I am your friend, and I don't let my friends hurt themselves."

"Friend? Yea okay..." I pulled from his grasp and stepped away from him. "We're friends? Then listen to me when I say this, the last thing I need today is to be stuck in a room alone with a man, much less a man that I know could do anything he wanted to me and I couldn't do anything because he's strong enough to bench press a fucking car. So if you really want to help me, you would leave and let me handle this in my own way."

"Your own way is dangerous."

I gave him a bitter smile. "Yea, but it's mine...please, and I'm only going to say this once, leave."

He stood there for a second, then crossed his arms. "What will you do if I don't?"

"I have a few stakes in my room, I'll leave it to your imagination what I'll do with them."

He smirked. "You would stake me just to be alone?"

I shrugged. "Whatever it takes."

"Fine, I'll leave, but I'm calling you all night until your mom gets home."

"Doesn't mean I'll answer."

"You'll answer or I'll come over, your choice."

He started walking towards the door, I stood there watching him, the last thing I need today is to be fighting temptation via Josef Konstantin.


	4. Breathe

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,  
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,  
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season  
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes  
Like they have any right at all to criticize,  
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable  
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table  
No one can find the rewind button girl,  
So cradle your head in your hands  
And breathe, just breathe,  
Woah breathe, just breathe  
-Breathe by Anna Nalick-

"What the hell are you doing?"

I used the mirror to look behind me, mom was standing in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest, staring at me like I had grown an extra head.

"I got bored."

"You got bored?" She repeated my words slowly, as if she was trying to figure them out. "So you're dying your hair because you're bored?"

I nodded, a bit of the dye slid down my face, I quickly wiped it off. "It was either this or I get something else pierced, and since you weren't home I couldn't do that..."

She sighed. "What color?"

I smiled. "Red..."

"How red?"

I smiled. "Firetruck red of course."

She shook her head. "Can you go a week without altering your appearance at least once?"

I shook my head. "Where's the fun in that?"

She smirked. "What no streaks?"

I shrugged. "I'm already pushing the school rules with this hair color..if it was summer I would have done black streaks, but you know..."

"It's amazing that your hair doesn't fall out."

I stuck my tongue out at her. "You're just jealous because you can't do wild colors in your hair!"

She laughed. "Oh yes, I miss the days of pink hair and nose rings."

I gave her a funny look. "You still have your nose ring..."

She shrugged. "But not the pink hair."

I laughed. "Get out, you're distracting me and if my hair turns out different colors I'm so blaming it on you!"

"I need vodka!" She stomped her foot and whined.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Do I look like I'm in any shape to make a alcohol run?"

She laughed. "No, I'm stating the fact that you drank the last of it, so where is your money, you're buying the next few bottles."

"Oh fuck you, how many times have you smoked my last few cigarettes."

"I'm the mom."

"That means jack shit in this house and you know it."

"Damn, you're right...but where's your purse?"

I sighed. "On my bed, I think I have a few twenties, if not take my debit card." She gave me a smirk and turned and skipped out of the bathroom. "My therapist is right! You're way to immature to be a mother!" I yelled back.

She just laughed.

-1 Hour Later-

I walked out of the bathroom, my hair dried and now a bright red. My mom walked through the front door carrying several large paper bags. She put them on the table and I walked over quickly.

I looked down into one of the bags and pulled out a bottle of wine. "What the fuck is this? You did not use my money to buy pussy drinks."

She glared at me and took the bottle out of my hand. "It's for if we have guest, not everyone likes the hard stuff like we do." She walked to the cabinet and placed the wine in it.

I faked shock. "They don't? Wow, and here I thought all the margarita's and martini's were just for show."

She walked back over to the table where I was standing. "You threatened to stake my boss."

I nodded. "Yes I did."

"He called me while I was out, apparently he came by last night around 8:30 and found you at the piano with a knife."

I nodded. "Yes he did."

"You were going to cut..."

"Yes I was..."

She put up her hands and waved them spastically. "Okay, stop with the yes I did and yes he did shit, it's really getting on my nerves. Elaborate more!"

I sighed. "He wouldn't leave, so I threatened to stake him."

She shook her head. "Okay, you do not threaten mommy's boss, any harm comes on him, it affects us!"

I laughed. "I didn't have to hurt him, he left."

She took a deep breath. I heard her counting backwards from ten. "He was worried about you, he still is worried about you."

I laughed and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. "He's worried about me? Why does it matter to him what happens to me? It's not like I'm one of his precious freshies..."

"No but he considers you a friend. And you don't seem to get that."

I walked over to one of the cabinets and pulled out a glass, I poured myself a good measure of whiskey. "No, because I don't see how I can be friends with someone I barely talk to, these last few days it seems like we've spoken more than ever, normally he just, I don't know, acts like I'm not there, but since last year I noticed he's been watching me, just not saying anything...I don't know, it's weird."

"He's worried about you, he did after all save your life last year."

"Damn, I never did send that thank you note."

She glared at me. "There is nothing wrong with him worrying about you."

I shrugged. "I don't like be worried over, I don't even like you worrying over me, hence the reason why I like being alone a lot."

She narrowed her eyes at me, then grabbed a one of the bottles of Grey Goose and walked to her room. "I'm going to bed, school starts in four hours, I expect you to be there."

I gave her a sarcastic salute. "Ey, ey captain!"

She flipped me off and continued to her room.

-Two Hours Later-

I had two hours until school, and I had yet to go to sleep. So what was my black mustang doing outside of Josef Konstantin's house? Good question.

I'm not good with numbers, that's probably why I can't remember the gate code to get in. I killed the engine and got out of the car quietly. The lights in the house were on, I knew he was still awake. I looked up at the gate, trying to figure out if I could climb it.

I threw my purse over the side of it and slid off the three inch heels and dropped them over the gate, I heard them land with a loud thud and hoped to God above that the heels didn't break.

"Now or never."

I jumped and grabbed onto the iron bars and tried to work my way up. I got to the top and threw my legs over and landed with a small thud on the ground. My knee gave out and I fell on my butt.

"FUCK!"

I pulled my knee to me and felt the all to familiar pain.

I slowly got to my feet, my knee would take my weight. I grabbed my purse and my heels, and limped my way up to his door.

I rung the door bell and could hear someone moving around on the inside. I stood there, feeling like an idiot, out of breath and in pain.

When the door opened Josef looked at me in shock. "What the hell are you doing here?" He looked past me and saw the gate still closed. "And how did you get in the gate?"

I sighed. "I climbed it and jumped over, which is the reason my knee, the one that I've had three surgeries on, is throbbing and probably swelling..." He stared at me in amusement. "Well are you going to let me in?!"

He stepped aside and I limped my way into the house. It hadn't changed much since I was last here. I guess when you're 400 years old you're pretty set in your ways.

I fell back on the couch and propped my leg up on the coffee table. I pulled up my blue jeans with a sigh, and of course, my knee was swelling and I could already see fluid in front of my knee cap. "Oh, cause you know, things don't suck bad enough already."

Josef didn't say anything, he just walked out of the room, I heard something going on in the other room, when he came back he had a zip-lock bag of ice, he handed it to me. "What are you doing here?"

I gently put the ice on my knee and looked up at him. "I dunno."

He sat opposite of me. "You don't know..."

I shook my head rather spastically. "No, I don't know, I couldn't sleep, and mom was asleep, and I was lonely...and well...I got in my car for a drive and before I knew it, I was here."

He stared at me. "You were lonely so you came here? Don't you have some high school friends you could go to?"

I shrugged. "They don't exactly appreciate me waking them up at 4 o'clock, and I knew you would be awake...and they weren't the company I was wanting..."

He stared at me for a second, like he was trying to figure out his words carefully. "What do you mean by that?..."

I shrugged. "Take it the way you want."

He stood up and walked over to me, then leaned down to where our faces were inches apart. I thought he was going to kiss me. But instead he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them back they had turned that beautiful silver-blue. "You're bleeding and you're drunk." He grabbed my wrist before I could pull it from his grasp. He slid back the sleeve roughly, the once white bandage was now soaked through with blood.

"Wow, look at you go, super-vamp you are."

He glared at me. "It's not funny Belinda! Why did you do this?"

I smiled. "Because it felt good...I just wanted to feel good."

He stared at me and shook his head. "No Bella, this is not how you feel good! This is dangerous! You could have bled to death!"

I pulled my wrist from his grasp. "I'm so sick of everyone telling me how awful it would be if I died! Don't you guys understand?! I wouldn't hurt anymore! I wouldn't hate myself anymore!" I stood up, ignoring the pain in my knee.

"What are you doing?!"

"Leaving, you're just pissing me off even more."

He grabbed my wrist again, not realizing it, his fingers dug into the cut. I cryed out. He quickly adjusted his hand so it was holding onto a different part of my arm. He pulled me back to where I was standing in front of him. "You're not going anywhere."

"Correction, I have school in less than an hour and a half."

"You can't go to school drunk."

I shook my head. "I'm not drunk, I had little glasses of whiskey, that's nothing compared to my normal amount."

I looked down at my arm and noticed the blood was coming out from under the bandage now.

"You need stitches."

I sighed and pulled from his grasp again. I turned and started walking down the hall, Josef followed close behind me. I went into the freshies 'sick room'. I pulled open the cabinets and pulled down the materials for stitching.

"What the hell are you doing?"

I pulled off the bandage and cleaned up the cut. "I need stitches."

"Well you're not going to do it yourself!"

"Why not? If I go to the hospital they'll tell my therapist which will up my anti-depressants...which means I will be drugged up all the time. No thank you."

He walked up and stood next to me. "Have you ever done it before?"

"Nope, but I figure, I've watched it done to me so many times, how hard can it be?"

"You're not using any pain killers?"

I gave him a look that screamed 'are you really that dumb.' He just continued to stare at me.

"Josef...you do realize that I inflicted this pain myself, which means that I actually cut my own skin myself, and I enjoyed it...why would I deaden the area before I stitch it up, I might miss out on more 'warm and fuzzies'.

I dug the curved needle into my skin, and didn't even flinch. He shook his head. "I can't just sit here and watch you do this."

I continued. "Then leave."

He sighed and glared down at me. It took me a little while to finish, but once I did, looked down at my arm with a smile. "See, good as new."

He shook his head. "You're even crazier than I thought."

I smiled and lifted my arm to him, there was still blood on my arm. "You wanna do the honors? I mean all this good blood has already gone to waste."

He stared at it for a second, then looked back up at me. "That's just wrong."

I laughed. "Why?"

"You're taunting me, I'm gonna get a small taste now, what if I like how you taste? I'll never get to drink you again."

"Well, if you like what you taste, maybe we can arrange something..."

"Oh that's awfully nice of you."

I smiled. "I do try."

He gave me a smirk, then gently grabbed my wrist, he brought my arm up to his mouth, I felt his tongue slide over the newly sewn stitches. I shivered, a small laugh escaped his mouth.

"Fuck you Josef."

"Well if you really want to..."

He dropped my arm, I stared at him for a second. Fighting the urge to jump him.

"My, my, you got awfully quiet all the sudden...the comment a little to real for your liking?"

I glared at him. "You wouldn't fuck me even if I said I wanted you to."

"Oh really, why not?"

"Because, I'm still 'little Bella' in your eyes...you still remember me when I was eight and afraid of the boogeyman under the bed."

He shook his head. "You haven't been little Bella in my eyes in a long time."

I stared up at him, biting my bottom lip. He just smirked at me.

He pulled me closer to him and whispered in my ear. "You pretend you're all tough, but I know what you really feel. You're scared shitless about life and that's why you're constantly hurting yourself. You haven't had sex, you're afraid to, you think that it will only bring bad memories. That's understandable Bella, don't think that you feeling that way is wrong, there is nothing wrong with it at all. What happened to you was wrong, it's probably something you'll never get over, but you have to at least try to move on, when you're ready."

"Even if I was ready, I don't trust anyone enough..."

He smiled. "You will one day."

I took a deep breath, and just stared up at him. He kissed my cheek, I wanted to kiss him on the mouth but was scared to. I guess he knew what I was feeling because he trailed kisses down my jawline and slowly met my lips.

When he pulled back I just stared at his chest and licked my lips. He laughed.

"I...I need to get to school..."

He nodded. "Yes you do...this time how about I open the gate for you?"

I smiled. "That would be great."

He put his arm around my shoulders and walked me out of the room.


	5. A Womans Worth

You could buy me diamonds , you could buy me pearls  
Take me on a cruise around the world  
Baby you know Im worth it  
Dinner lit by candles, run my bubble bath  
Make love tenderly to last and last  
Baby you know Im worth it  
Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right  
Not just told but to show she is worth your time  
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first  
She will if she cant find a man who knows her worth, mhmn

Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her  
And a real woman knows a real man aint afraid to please her  
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first  
And a real man just cant deny a womans worth  
-Womans Worth by Alicia Keys-

"You look like hell."

I looked up and saw Celeste and Chela staring down at me. "You sure know how to make a girl feel beautiful."

They smiled and sat next to me. Celeste put her arm around me and I laid my head on her shoulder. "What's wrong love?"

I sighed and decided a lie was better than the truth. "My knee hurts."

Chela pulled up my pant leg and examined my swollen knee. "Aw, I'm sorry love."

I shrugged. "I'll deal."

Celeste smiled. "So, you feel okay? I mean, after yesterday?"

I laughed. "I'm alive aren't I?"

"Yes, thank God." Chela said with a sigh.

I smiled at her. "I'm alive and I'm sorta, kinda, almost happy to be."

"Well it's a start." Celeste said with a small laugh. "I mean it's better than not wanting to be right?"

I nodded. "I like how it feels."

I, of course, was not going to tell them that the reason for me feeling better was because I had a 3 AM run in with a knife and then a 4 AM run in with my moms boss. I wanted to keep that particular information to myself, at least until I figure out what the hell is going on between Josef and I.

I was quiet throughout the rest of the lunch, I could tell Chela and Celeste was worried, but they didn't push the issue. They knew the only times I was quiet was if I was mad or thinking really hard, and they knew better than to interrupt me while I was thinking.

The bell rang signaling lunch was over, Chela and Celeste stood and helped me get up. My knee was so stiff I couldn't even bend it. They helped me get to my next class, Mrs. Goutroux made fun of me and called me gimpy for the whole class. I didn't mind, Journalism was my favorite class and Mrs. Goutroux was my favorite teacher. Basically, because I could cuss her out and she would just cuss me right back.

The rest of the day went by slowly, and my mind was clogged with thoughts of Josef and our kiss earlier. I couldn't get it out of my mind. As I limped out to my car I couldn't help but wonder if he was thinking about it to. I couldn't imagen Josef toying with me, he seemed to understand what I was going through. But I'm not sure if I can trust him. He is after all the same Josef Konstantin that I grew up watching supermodels fawn over.

I sat in the school parking lot for nearly fifteen minutes before putting the car into reverse and backing out. I needed a ciggarette but I refused to smoke in the car, so I would have to wait.

I meant to go home, I really did, I had homework, I needed sleep, and I really needed a stiff drink. And yet, I found myself in front of Josef's office building, just sitting there. I knew mom wouldn't be in there yet, I would be able to go speak to Josef without anyone ever knowing.

So what was stopping me?

Fear...Josef scared the shit out of me. He knew me to well, he knew what I thought and what I felt. No one should be able to do that.

Hell, I don't even know what I feel sometimes...

I got out of the car and ended up sitting on the hood. I lit up a cigarette and waited for the comfort it would bring. But I felt no comfort from the burning tobacco. I knew the only comfort I could find would be upstairs sitting behind a desk.

I sighed and dropped the half burnt cigarette on the ground. I smashed it with my foot and looked up at the tall building in front of me.

Does he know I'm here? If so, is he glad? Or is he trying to find the nearest fire escape to get away from me.

I shook my head and convinced myself to walk through the front doors. I kept talking to myself, telling myself it would be okay, that I had nothing to worry about. I knew I shouldn't lie to myself, I had plenty to worry over. Mainly, rejection, what if he doesn't want me here? What if this morning was just his way of trying to help a rape victim move on and I took it the wrong way?

The dinging of the elevator doors shook me out of my thoughts, I stared out into the empty office, my mind was screaming that it wasn't to late to go back.

And yet, my feet didn't want to listen. The sound of my heels clanking on the hardwood floor seemed surreal to me. I stood in front of his door, fist posed to knock, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Come in Bella."

He apparently knew I was here...he was probably in his office laughing at my nerves. I stared at the door knob for a minute before twisting it and pushing the door open.

He was leaning back in his desk, his normal smirk plastered on his face. I chewed on my bottom lip until I tasted the familair taste of blood.

"Why are you so scared? You've been alone with me before."

I looked down at my feet. "Because, before I was here because mom asked me to and not just because I needed to see you." I realized what I had said but it was to late. I must be an idiot...telling him I needed to see him...

I bit my lip again and continued to stare at the floor, afraid to look up, afraid to see his reaction to my last confession.

I heard his chair move, but I couldn't summon the courage to lift my head. I suddenly saw his leather shoes in front of mine. I lifted my head and made eye contact. In heels I was eye level with him.

"Take off your shoes."

I stared at him for a second. "What?"

He smiled. "Take off your shoes, you're to tall with heels on. I don't like it."

I gave a small smile and walked over to his couch. I sat back slowly, careful not to bend my knee to much, and slid off the black heels.

We stared at each other for a while, I was unsure of what to say, but I have a feeling Josef just enjoyed seeing me squirm.

"You needed to see me?"

I nodded.

"Well you've seen me now...what are you still doing here?"

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I bit my lip again. He just stared at me, his brown eyes mocking my nervous habit.

"I needed to be around you...I don't know why, just something happened when I was driving home today, and I ended up sitting outside your office building...Oh my God, I'm a stalker." He laughed and I glared at him. "It's not funny!"

He nodded still laughing. "Yes it is, it's very funny."

I stood up and limped over to him. His eyes still showing pure amusement at my current state of distress.

"I hate myself Josef, I have no reasons to live. At anytime I could just go home and take out my moms Derringer and put it to my temple..."

His eyes grew serious. "Why are you telling me this?"

I put my hands up to stop him. "Don't ask questions yet, let me finish." He nodded so I continued. "I hate what I've become, I used to be so happy all the time, I used to give a fuck about my life and what I would become. I had dreams of being a wife and a actress."

"And now?"

" I thought that I'd rather tear my own heart out than to have a man touch me sexually...but then this morning, you kissed me."

"Yes I did."

"And I felt...safe, I don't expect you to understand how much that means to me, but I haven't felt safe for a very long time."

"Why are you telling me all this Bella?"

I bit my lip and stared up at him. "I just want to feel something besides pain Josef."

He pulled me to him into a bone crushing hug. I buried my head into his neck.

"You spill your heart to me yet you never cry..."

"I don't cry Josef, I'm not programmed to..."

He tugged on my hair to make me look up at him. "So what do you do?"

I smiled. "I laugh..."

"What?"

"I laugh...it's what I do, I'm the girl that laughs at funerals..."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

I shrugged and buried my head back into his neck. I breathed in his smell and made sure to remember it.


	6. Vulnerable

And your slowly shaking finger tips  
Show that your scared like me so  
Let pretend were alone  
And I know you may be scared  
And I know were unprepared  
But I don't care

Tell me tell me  
What makes you think that you are invincible  
I can see it in your eyes that your so sure  
Please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable  
Impossible  
-Vulnerable by Second Hand Serenade-

It was nearly five o'clock when I walked through the front door. I knew mom was running around the house getting ready for work, and that I would be asked where the hell I had been. I had swung by the store on the way home, I put the bags on the kitchen counter.

"Where the hell have you been?"

I smiled and turned around. "I went by the store, traffic was awful."

Mom just nodded, then smiled. "Did you get me anything?"

I pulled out a pack of cigarettes and threw them to her. She laughed. "I knew there was a reason I got you that fake I.D." She gave me one last smile before walking back to her room to finish dressing for work.

I slumped against the counter, this afternoons conversation still burning in my mind. I felt like an idiot, telling him all that, stuff that no one else had heard outside the closed door of my therapist. Of course, she would be exstatic that I found someone to confide in, but I was worried.

The more you care about a person and the more you trust them, the more pain they can cause you if they let you down. It seemed the people I cared most about were always letting me down in someways.

I took a deep breath, my clothes smelt like him, I had to get them off. I quickly walked to my room, stripping on the way. I threw them in a pile against the wall, the farthest away from me. I sat down on my bed in my bra and underwear and felt like an even bigger idiot.

"Hey hon, I'm gonna go."

I looked up, mom was peeking her head into my room. I gave her my best attempt at a smile. "Okay mom, love you."

"You to babe."

She shut my door, I heard her heels clicking on the floor and then the front door shut.

-2 Hours Later-

Boredom is never a good thing when it comes to me. I looked down at the new piece of metal sticking from my belly button with a smile.

"Mom is going to kill me."

She has no problem with me getting more piercings, but when I do them myself she tends to get a little pissy with me. Last year I was left in boredom and ended up with a nose ring. It's not my fault really, I've never been good with boredom, probably because when I was little my mom always made sure I had something to do.

I hadn't gotten dressed yet, I was still walking around half-naked, I guess when you grow up with nothing but another woman in the house, you get pretty comfortable in just your bra and underwear.

I left the bathroom and walked towards the kitchen. I had homework, but I really didn't feel like doing it, I guess I'll do it before school tomorrow.

I opened the liquor cabinet and grabbed a bottle of tequila. I drank far to much for a girl my age, I knew that, yet, I continued to drink. It was unhealthy, and probably by the time I turn 30 I'll be needing a liver transplant. But that's life right?

I laughed to myself. 30? Oh we all know I'll never make it to 30. Hell, I don't think I'll make it to 20.

I scooted my butt up on the counter and looked over at the clock on the stove, 7:30. My head was pounding as I took another gulp from the bottle. I wanted to forget how stupid I had been, I wanted to forget everything.

I told him I needed to be around him...I spilled my fucking heart to him. Yea, he was nice, he talked me through it, then I left. Probably as soon as I stepped onto the elevator he was laughing his ass off.

"Tequila, isn't that a bit strong for a little thing like you?"

I closed my eyes, how does he keep getting into the house without me knowing it? Better question, why does he keep coming?

I turned my head to face him, he was staring at me with a small smirk on his face, probably because of my current state of undress.

"Aren't you going to move? Run into your room and put some clothes on? I am after all, standing here, and you're sitting there in your bra and what I can guess is a thong."

I smirked. "Why? Can't control yourself around half naked teenagers?" I slid off the counter and walked over to one of the other cabinets and grabbed a glass.

"You seem so calm when you're drinking."

When I turned back to face him his eyes were moving over my body. I smirked. "It's comforting, you know, like a warm blanket." I poured some of the tequila into a glass and handed it to him.

"Trying to get me drunk so you can have your way with me?"

"Damn, I guess I'm more transparent than I thought."

I smiled at him, he downed the contents of the glass.

"What are you doing here Josef?"

He shrugged. "Just taking a drive and figured I'd come by and see you."

"I just left your office barely three hours ago."

"Can't you just accept my well thought out lie and get over it?"

I smiled. "Aw, did the big bad vampire miss the young psychopath?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Yes."

I bit my lip. "That wasn't exactly the response I was expecting."

We stared at each other, not exactly sure what to do, I lifted the bottle to my lips and took a long sip. He watched me, amusement written clearly across his face.

"Stop it."

He continued to look at me. "Stop what?"

"Staring at me like you know what I taste like, it's just plain weird."

"No, I'm staring at you like I'm wondering what you look like naked." He took a few steps towards me and I stepped back. I felt the cool tile of the counter top against my lower back and knew, even if I wanted to, there was no where to run.

His body pressed against mine, I looked up at him, a mixture of fear and confusion clearly written on my face. I felt his hand slide across my waist and to my back. He smiled at me. "Why are you so afraid of me Bella? I'm not going to hurt you."

"I have my reasons..."

He used his free hand to run a finger down my jawline, then he moved his hand down to my neck. I felt his other hand running up my back. "Yes, but are they valid reasons?"

"I...I'd like to think so."

"Stop shaking Bella." His hand on my back pulled my shaking frame even tighter to him. "If you don't calm down you'll go into an anxiety attack."

"Those...aren't...fun..."

He smiled down at me. "I know...so calm down." He bent his head down and trailed kisses down my cheek then to my neck. I felt him stop right over my jugular. He took a small part of my skin in his mouth and sucked. I felt my heart beat quicken and I tried to breath. "I'm not going to bite you, it's okay."

"I'm not scared...at the thought of you biting me...I'm scared at the thought that I..." He started sucking again and I had to stop to catch my breath. "That I might enjoy it."

"Mmm, you would, trust me."

I bit my lip and took several deep breaths trying to calm myself. "Why are you doing this Josef?"

"Because I want to." He stood up straight and stared down at me, his eyes were serious, any amusement at my discomfort gone. "And I know you want me to, so don't deny it." I bit my lip, and he laughed. "If you bite your lip like that every time your nervous, I'm amazed you still have a lip left.

"I'm only nervous around you."

He smiled and leaned down again, his lips were barely centimeters from mine. I licked my lips absentmindedly. Both of his hands cupped my face and he stared down at me. "Stop shaking."

"I can't."

He gave me one last smile before closing the small space between us. The kiss was nothing like our first, this time, he made it very obvious that he was in control. I felt his tongue run across my lips and I parted them to grant him access.

I needed air, I put my hands on his chest and pushed him back. "Just because you don't need air doesn't mean I don't."

He laughed. "I tend to forget sometimes."

I laid my head on his shoulder, and tried to catch my breath. "This is beyond weird."

He nodded. "I know, but..."

"It's nice."

He nodded again, then smiled. "You're still shaking."

I nodded into his shoulder. "I know."

He held me there for a while, trying to calm me down, it took nearly an hour for me to stop shaking. I didn't want him to leave, but he said he had to.

I stood there and watched him leave, when I heard the door shut I started shaking again.


	7. Thank You

**Note: This chapter is just kind of a filler until I get more time to write, it's not exactly the best, but I'm not feeling to well. So, I apologize if this chapter is well...bad, but yea. **

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay  
my head just feels in pain  
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today  
I'm late for work again  
and even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the  
day  
and then you call me and it's not so bad  
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life  
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life  
-Thank You by Dido-

"Bella...Belinda Dawn...wake up." I opened my eyes to look up at mom. "Don't you think you should get to school?"

"I'm hung over."

She sighed and crawled into bed next to me. "You drank to much last night? You normally know your limits."

I snuggled into her. "Limits? Please, I have no limits."

She laughed. "Why'd you drink so much?"

"Just wanted to."

She kissed my forehead. "Just try to relax for the day." She crawled out of my bed and walked out my room.

So I lied, I didn't have a hang over. I knew that I couldn't handle school today, I'm not in the right mind right now.

I curled back up into a ball and fell into a fitful sleep.

-4 Hours Later-

I woke up to hearing mom shutting the front door. It was 10:30, I might want to get up.

The subdivision we lived in was surrounded by woods, I normally found myself walking through them when I was alone. On the otherside of the woods was a busy highway. I tried to avoid going near it, there were always a few dead animals on the side of the road, which upset me.

I felt the thick brush start to thin out as I got closer to the highway, I stood on the outside of the trees and watched the cars with bored eyes. Right when I was about to turn around I noticed something curled up close to the road a few feet from me. I slowly walked over and found that it was a rather large rat snake.

"You are going to die out here on the side of the road." I bent down next to it with a smile. "Come on love, lets get you back in the woods."

It wasn't the first time I'd handled a snake, I knew how and where to grab it. I put my hand around the spot behind his head and lifted him slowly. He twisted in my grasp and ended up curled around my arm.

"Oh my, got some sass don't you?"

I started walking back into the woods, the snake was sensing the air around him. I wasn't watching how far I was walking into the woods, I was to preoccupied with watching the snake. He would tighten, then loosen around my arm, like he still wasn't sure of my intentions yet.

"Calm down love, I would never hurt a beautiful thing like you." I didn't realize I was out of the woods until I felt the bright sun shine down on me. "See now look what you did, you distracted me.

I started heading back into the woods, I was a few steps into it when I heard a car pull into the driveway. I knew mom was out, and shouldn't be home for a few hours. I walked back out and around the house, a red Ferrari sat in the driveway.

"Why in the hell are you holding a snake?" Josef asked as he shut the door.

I looked down at the snake in my hand. "He was going to die."

"So?"

"So I saved him...I didn't want him getting hit by a car...Anyway, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I saw a red haired girl bent down on the side of the highway, and something told me it was you."

I smiled and looked down at the snake on my arm. "He's a rat snake, I wasn't going to let him get hurt. It's not like he hurts anyone."

"Well then let it go."

"I was going to, but I lost track of where I was." He walked over and stood in front of me, looking down at the snake in disgust. "Oh please, don't tell me you don't like snakes."

"No, it's just...weird..."

I laughed and started walking back towards the woods, I heard him quickly walking behind me. "What's so weird about it?"

He shrugged and walked next to me as we started into the woods. "You're a girl, you're not supposed to fool with snakes and such."

I stopped and turned to him. He just looked down at me in confusion. "That is so stereotypical! Seriously, just because I'm a girl I'm not supposed to like snakes?"

He just stared down at me. "I didn't know that it would piss you off so much my saying that."

I sighed and continued to walk. I had lived my whole life under stereotypes, it tended to piss me off. My dad's family always yelled at me for not being 'lady like'.

We walked a little further in, I found the perfect tree and let the snake go on one of the many branches. "By love, stay safe." I heard Josef laughing next to me, I turned to him. "What?"

He smirked. "You just amaze me that's all."

I smirked up at him. "What can I say, I have a soft spot for things with fangs."

"Oh really?"

I nodded and walked past him out towards the sunlight again. He followed me out, I watched him in amusement as he put his hand up to shield his face.

"You want to come inside? I'm sure it would be more comfortable for you in there."

He nodded and followed me up the steps into the house.

"What are you doing home from school?"

I looked up at him from the sink where I was washing my hands. "I'm sick."

He crossed his arms and leaned against the counter. "Sick? You look well to me."

I dried my hands and walked over to him. "It's in the head."

He laughed. "Well admittence is the first step."

"Oh yea? What's the next?"

"Treatment."

I smiled. "And what do you suggest?"

"A few things." He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. He stared down at me in amusement. "You're not shaking."

"Should I be?"

He laughed. "I'd rather you not." He leaned down and kissed me, but it didn't last long. He quickly pulled back, a smirk on his face.

"What? What's wrong?"

He laughed again. "You smell like that snake."

I slapped his arm and he just laughed harder.

"It smells really bad."

"Bastard."

He laughed again. "Go take a shower, I'll be here when you get out."

I opened the cabinet next to him and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. "That should keep you busy until I get out." I turned to walk away but stopped when I heard his voice.

"Is that all you do? Drink and play piano?"

I shrugged. "What else is there?"


	8. Someday We'll Know

90 miles outside chicago  
Can't stop driving  
I don't know why  
So many questions  
I need an answer  
Two years later you're still on my mind  
Whatever happened to Emelia Earhart  
Who holds the stars up in the sky  
Is true love once in a lifetime  
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Someday we'll know  
If love can move a mountain  
Someday we'll know  
Why the sky is blue  
Someday we'll know  
Why I wasn't meant for you  
-Someday We'll Know by New Radicals-

When I walked out of the shower I was still wrapped in a towel, thinking Josef was still in the kitchen I walked quietly to my room.

"You have a habit of wearing next to nothing around me."

I jumped and turned around. Josef was on my bed, lounged out on his back, like he would rather be anywhere but here.

I crossed my arms and looked at the floor. "I thought you were in the kitchen."

He smirked. "Obviously you thought wrong." He swung his legs off my bed and stood up in one swift movement.

"Where are you going?" I asked as he started walking towards the door.

"Home...I'm hungry."

I smirked. "What? My bloods not good enough for you?"

He came to a sudden stop and turned to me. "What did you say?"

"You heard me."

He walked over and stared down at me, like he was trying to determine if I was toying with him or not. "It hurts you know, being bitten..."

I gave him a small smile. "Josef, I'm a cutter, you understands what that means right?"

He smiled and put his hand on my check. I turned my head and kissed his palm.

"Yes, I know. But being bitten and cutting yourself are two different things."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "For a 400 year old vampire you're really thick sometimes."

"That's nice Bella, but no..."

I knew he wouldn't do it, no matter how much I wanted him to.

"Can I at least get a goodbye kiss?" I had my ways of getting what I wanted.

He smiled, and closed the space between us. What originally was going to be a quick kiss soon turned into a heated mess. He pushed me up against the far wall of my room.

When I was younger, an 'inapropriate' freshie once told me Josef loved getting bitten..._"Drives him wild." _She said.

I smiled to myself as I started kissing down his neck, I stopped halfway down and started to suck. I heard the moans of pleasure escape his mouth and that's when I did it.

I bit down as hard as I could. I tasted the coppery taste of blood trickle into my mouth.

He yelled out and I felt his grasp on my waist tighten. He pushed away from me and quickly backed away.

"No Bella! You can't do that!"

I stared at him for a minute, I could see the affects of the bite on him. He had lost control of his features completely. He kept closing his eyes and trying to calm himself, but nothing seemed to work.

"Why not?"

"I already have a hard enough time controlling myself around you dammit! I don't need you doing shit like that!"

"Controlling yourself?"

"Yes Bella, controlling myself." He kept fighting to get his features to change back, his brown eyes bled through the blue, but his fangs were still down.

I walked over to him, he took a few steps back, trying to keep distance between us. I glared at him, he glared at me.

"Don't be stupid Josef, we both know you would never hurt me." I stepped foreword, this time he didn't move back.

"I wouldn't want to, but I might do something you'll regret later..."

I laughed. "Like what? Biting me? How will I regret that?"

He shook his head. "You don't get it do you? It wouldn't just be feeding with you. I am unbelievably attracted to you, I don't know how I can make that anymore clear to you. "

"What? Would it lead to sex?"

"Most likely."

I stepped even closer to him, he looked down at me.

"I trust you."

His eyes bore into mine, like he was trying to decide what he would do. He put his hands on my bare shoulders and I shivered. He smiled. "Don't start shaking on me now..."

I glared at him, but he continued to smile. He turned me so my back was pressed against his chest, I closed my eyes and laid my head back on his shoulder.

He laid his cheek on mine. "Are you sure about this?"

"Whatever happens, happens Josef...I trust you."

I felt his arms wrap around my waist and pulled me even tighter to him. "Calm down, you're heart is going to pound out of your chest."

I'm not sure why I was so scared. I enjoyed pain, it was comforting to me. So why was the thought of this bite so scary?

He started kissing down my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for the pain. I felt his arms tighten and knew he was about to do it.

His fangs sunk into my neck and I yelled out. My legs gave out, his arms held me in place. I felt the muscles in his jaw as he sucked the blood from the holes in my neck.

I relaxed my whole body against him. I felt one of his hands moving to the end of the towel. With a small tug, the towel fell to the floor, but I didn't care. I was to busy enjoying myself to care.

He stopped, I felt his tongue run across the bite, I moaned.

I knew I wasn't the only one aroused. I felt it very obviously against my lower back.

"Okay, now I'm going to let you go...can you stand?"

"Yes, but don't let go."

"Bella...I have to go, otherwise somethings going to happen here..."

I grinded my hips into him. "Would that be a bad thing?"

"Possibly."

I turned in his arms to face him. I saw that the bite mark on his neck was now gone, I smiled. "I'm guessing mine wont heal that fast."

He shook his head.

I took a deep breath and laid my head on his chest. "When will...sex...be a possibility for us?"

"When you're older."

I looked back up at him. "Like how old?"

He shrugged. "At least 20."

"I don't plan on living that long Josef..."

He let go of me and took a few steps back. "How can you say shit like that? I don't understand how anyone can calmly talk about dying like you can."

I didn't like the distance between us, but the look on his face was enough to keep me from walking closer to him.

"Josef...don't you think it would be so much easier on everyone if I was gone? Think about it, mom wouldn't have to worry all the time, she wouldn't have to make sure I was taking my medicines, wouldn't have to keep up with all my doctor appointments. And my friends, well they wouldn't have to constantly ask 'how are you feeling Bella?' they wouldn't have to deal with all the people at school talking about how they hang out with 'that crazy girl'...it would just be better for everyone."

"No, no it wouldn't. Your mom could never survive without you, and you know that. And your friends...well I've never met them, but I have a feeling that being friends with 'that crazy girl' isn't so bad, otherwise why would they be around you."

"Pity."

He shook his head. "I can't talk to you when you're like this..."

"Like what? Being honest? Being serious?"

He didn't respond, he just turned and stormed out. I heard the front door slam.

I didn't cry...I never cry.

My mom came home a few minutes later, she found me on my bedroom floor, naked, with blood pouring from my neck.

And laughing.


	9. Linger

Oh, I thought the world of you.  
I thought nothing could go wrong,  
But I was wrong. I was wrong.  
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,  
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,  
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.  
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.  
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,  
Do you have to let it linger?  
-Linger by The Cranberries-

"What the fuck are you doing?"

I looked up to see Celeste standing in my doorway, shock showing on her pretty face.

"Sewing."

"Your leg?!"

I shrugged. "I needed stitches..."

She walked over and sat on my bed next to me. "Yea, that's why you go to the hospital..."

"But this is so much more fun. At the hospital they numb the area..."

She shook her head and looked down at my leg. I was only half way up the large gash with the stitches.

"Why'd you do it?"

I laughed. "Why do I ever do it? For the sheer pleasure of it."

I guess I'm a pretty good liar, because she took that answer without asking anymore questions.

It had been three days since Josef walked out. Mom never asked any questions, she just sat on the floor and held me. She knew better than to ask anything. I hadn't left the house since then, I was miserable, and I knew I'd be this way for a while.

I heard Celeste gasp as I pushed the curved needle through my flesh.

I just laughed.

"You are insane..."

I looked at her with a smile. "What's new about that?"

I couldn't help but wonder what Celeste thought about the bandage on my neck...but she knew better than to say anything. My answer could disturb her, she knew that.

I cut the wire-like thread and ran a damp towel over the fresh stitches.

"Your mom told me about the other day...said she found you on the floor laughing hysterically."

"She did."

"And that you were bleeding...I guess that's what's on your neck..."

I nodded, but never spoke.

"What happened Bella?"

I stood up and walked over to my dresser. I put the needle in my jewelry box and bit my lip. "Exactly what I knew would..."

"What do you mean?"

"The people I trust always hurt me the worst..."

She got off my bed and walked over to me. "Who hurt you?"

I shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"Yes, now tell me so I can go skin them alive."

I laughed and shook my head. "It doesn't matter Celeste. Besides...it was my fault."

"I hate seeing you like this."

I nodded. "I know."

She sighed. "I know what we can do! I'll call Chela, she can pick up some movies, we can get a bunch of junk food and beer and watch movies all night!"

I smiled. "Thanks hon, but no thanks...I kinda want to be alone right now."

She nodded. "I guess I understand." She pulled me into a hug. "Just don't do anything stupid, I'd like you to at least reach 25 ."

I smirked. "How about we bargain for 21 and go from there."

She pulled back and stared at me. "Fine..."

I smiled. "Bye love."

She smiled and walked past me.

I walked back over to my bed and fell back on it. 21? Yea, that's a joke. I have no respect for life, I have no will to live, and I have no reason to. I'm basically just existing, not living.

I ran my fingers across the stitches in my leg, remembering the feel of his tongue on the ones in my arm. I shook my head, I can't be thinking about him, it will only upset me even more. I knew this would happen, it's the same thing every time, I like someone, let them get close, then I push them away causing my own suffering. But I really can't help it, it's a problem I have that is just as dangerous as my cutting. Physical pain isn't enough, I have to cause my own mental anguish.

Maybe I could fake it. You know, smile a lot, only cut places where people can't see. Don't tell anyone when I'm upset. Lie basically, yea, I'm good at lying. Maybe I could do that? They might even cut down on my medication.

I clicked the ball of my tongue ring against my teeth, something I often did when I'm thinking, it tend to piss off my teachers during test.

Yes, that's what I'll do, no one will ever know I'm depressed. I am, after all, a damn good actress, this would be the performance of a lifetime. So when I do kill myself, no one will ever see it coming.

I laughed out loud, that is where my life is heading anyway. So why not go out with a big shocking finish? An end to an epic tale of a miserable girl. Maybe they'll write a Lifetime movie about me, have some young actress play me, but instead I fall in love and am swept away by a handsome man who teaches me that life is worth living.

Yes, I will defiantly pretend. It will make everyone happier, make them feel like the old Bella was back.


	10. Probably Wouldn't Be This Way

**Note: This little note goes out to ceruleia, she reviewed anonymously on Over The Moon, I just wanted to say that I totally agree about the Harry Potter thing! :D I love angst stories, I love writing angst stories...but a certain someone...coughslygirl16cough...threatens to skin me alive if I write angst. But I think I take a chance for pain with this one...not sure quite yet...:D  
-Belinda Dawn-**

I probably wouldn't be this way  
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad  
I never pictured every minute without you in it,  
Oh you left so fast,  
Sometimes I see you standing there  
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch  
Sometimes I feel I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much  
God give me moments grace  
Cause if I'd nevber seen your face  
I probably wouldn't be this way

Momma says that I just shouldn't speak to you,  
Susan says that I should just move on,  
You oughta see the way these people look at me,  
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone,  
Everybody thinks I've lost my mind but I just take it day by day  
-Probably Wouldn't Be This Way by LeAnn Rimes-

"Wake up! Wake up! It's your birthday!"

Mom was jumping on my bed, I glared at her. "Leave, now."

She smiled and landed on her hands and knees next to me. "Your 18 today! No need to use a fake I.D. to get cigerettes anymore. How do you feel?"

I smiled. "Hell, I'm happy about the fact that I don't have to drag you to the tattoo place to get something pierced."

She laughed. "Yes well, I put your birthday present in your bank account."

"Oh, really now?"

"Yea, your father sent something over to."

I sat up. "What? A bible?"

She laughed. "A laptop actually..."

"Thank God, I've been needing a new one.

Months had gone by since I had decided to 'fake it' and so far, no one had seen through the act. I threw back the covers and climbed out of the bed. I hid the grimace of pain from my mom, moving hurt my stomach, pulled on the cuts I had put there last night.

"I was thinking we could go to lunch and do some shopping to celebrate."

I smiled at her from my closet. "Sounds good, you have to work tonight?"

She nodded. "Yea, how about you come up and hang out with me? I'm sure Josef wouldn't mind."

I shook my head. "No, that's okay..."

"Oh come on! Please?"

I took a deep breath. "Fine."

She jumped off my bed. "Yes! I win again."

"I hate you."

She smiled and kissed me on the cheek. "Love you too hon!"

-Later-

The car pulled up to the office building and I stared up at it in disgust. I didn't want to be here, but I told mom I would.

Fuck me.

I could be at home, half drunk, on the piano with my favorite pocket knife. But no, I'm here, walking through the gates of hell. It's not that being at work with my mom was bad, I enjoyed time with my mom. I just knew that I would see Josef tonight, something I had avoided the last few months at all cost. Trust me, he hadn't been going out of his way to try and see me either.

Did I ever mention how easily I scar? I now walk around with two small round scars on my neck. I try to hide it with my hair, but still, the pink against my pale skin tends to stand out.

The elevator doors opened on the top floor and suddenly my feet were glued to the tile floor. Mom walked out, but I couldn't force myself to move. I felt like as soon as I left that elevator I was in enemy territory, the elevator was safe grounds.

"Bella, come on love."

Mom was staring at me like I was completely nuts...maybe I am. I sighed and took a step foreword, the sound of my heels clinking on the floor made my heart beat even harder.

"Are you okay? You're really pale..."

I scoffed as she took my hand. "I'm always pale."

She nodded. "I know, but sickly pale...let's sit you down before you pass out." She walked me over to her desk and sat me down in the large chair behind it. "Put your head between your knees, I'm going to go get you a coke."

I knew I wasn't going to pass out, the sudden loss of color was from the realization that I would be face to face with Josef at some point tonight, and that scared me shitless.

I heard mom walking towards me. She set a coke can down on the desk. I lifted my head to look at her.

"Well, a little bit of your colors back...you scared me kid."

I smiled and took the can off the desk. "Color? What color? I have no color."

She laughed. I nursed the drink just to satisfy her. After ten minutes of her standing over me, she finally allowed me to stand up.

I walked out onto the balcony, hoping maybe if I stay out here for the night, he wont find me. The concrete scratched my back as I slid down the wall to sit on the ground.

I pulled out my lighter and a cigarette, I needed some form of comfort. I needed to be reminded that there were somethings that never change. Cigarettes were one of those things, they never change. Friends, family, and jobs might, but cigarettes don't.

I laughed as I inhaled the smoke. I must be crazier than I thought, sitting out here contemplating my emotional attachment to a cigarette. What's next? I'll be naming them?

I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy the coolness of the night air, but I couldn't seem to relax. Every nerve in my body was a alert with the idea that Josef was a few doors down. It took everything I had to stay where I was.

My stomach hurt like hell, just to breathe caused more pain. But I would deal, pain was invigorating at certain times, but other times it was just annoying.

Mom kept peeking her head out of the double doors to make sure I was okay, what seemed like mere minutes turned into hours. It was nearly 11 o'clock when she asked me what I wanted to eat.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

She smiled and walked back to her desk. I heard her on the phone, placing an order for her and several of the other 'human' employees.

Another ten minutes went by before I heard her get up and walk towards the doors again. "Alright love, I'll be back as soon as possible."

I just smiled at her.

-30 Minutes Later-

"That is your tenth cigarette since you've gotten here..."

I looked up at the sound of his voice. "You've been watching me?"

He shook his head. "No, but I smell each one when you light it."

I nodded and looked back at the ground. I heard his footsteps coming towards me, then I saw him standing in front of me.

He put his hand out to help me up, I put out the cigarette on the ground. Once I was standing we stared at each other, I wasn't sure what to say.

The next thing I knew I was shoved against the concrete wall behind me. His hands were on each side of my waist, he was glaring at me in anger.

"Your mom said you're getting better, but I personally think that's bullshit."

"Why do you say that?"

He slid his hands up, my shirt following suit. Red gashes littered my stomach, he just sighed.

"Cause of that."

"How did you know?"

He ran his finger over some of the cuts. "You smell like your own blood."

"Are you going to tell mom?"

He shook his head. "Cherie is happy, she thinks she has her daughter back, who am I to crush her spirits?"

"Next question, why do you care?"

"Because, believe it or not, I want to be a part of your future."

I shook my head. "No, you don't, the only thing in my future is a wooden box beneath six feet of dirt. Trust me, you don't want to be a part of that."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Can we at least have on conversation where you don't bring up your suicide?"

I smirked. "What can I say? You bring out the best in me."

He didn't say anything, just laid his head on my shoulder. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep my mind off of the fact that he was so close.

I felt my hair being pushed to the side, he bent my neck. "You must scar really easily."

I shrugged. "Yea I gue..."

I was cut off by the feel of his lips on my neck, his tongue flicked over the two scars, and all I could do was hope for another bite.

"You know, I only bit you once, but it was enough to make me want more."

I bit my lip and tried to think of anything but the current situation, the last thing I needed was for mom to come back from a dinner run and find me out here with her boss.

I felt his hands moving to my shoulders, he pulled my shirt collar over and exposed my shoulder. I knew exactly what he was thinking, the neck would show, but the shoulder could be hidden. He kissed his way down my neck until I felt his mouth hovering over my shoulder. I felt his mouth open, then the familiar sharp pain of his fangs breaking the skin.

I bit down hard on my lip to muffle the moan, I felt my legs start to give out, he pushed his body closer to mine to hold me up. I rested my head on his shoulder, trying to steady myself. I ran my hands up under his suit jacket and grabbed onto the fabric of his shirt. I wanted to feel his skin, I wanted to touch his chest, I needed to touch him, not fabric.

I started pulling his shirt from where it was tucked into his pants, I ran my hands up under it and felt the coolness of his skin on my fingertips. I felt his tongue run over the bite mark, then his mouth let go of the skin on my shoulder.

My eyes were closed as I leaned my head back against the concrete wall. I knew he was looking at me.

"Bella?"

"Hmm...what?"

He leaned in and placed a quick kiss on my lips. I could still taste my blood on his lips.

"Happy birthday."

I opened my eyes and just stared at him. He smirked then turned and walked away.

I slid back down the wall, my legs still far to weak to hold me up. "Well, happy fucking birthday to me."


	11. 9 Crimes

Leave me out with the waste  
This is not what I do  
It's the wrong kind of place  
To be thinking of you  
It's the wrong time  
For somebody new  
It's a small crime  
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright?  
Give my gun away when it's loaded  
Is that alright?  
If u don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it  
Is that alright?  
Give my gun away when it's loaded  
Is that alright  
With you?  
-9 Crimes by Damien Rice-

Blood dries rather quickly, how I could forget that little piece of information astonishes me. I was in the bathroom, trying my best to get the blood off my shoulder.

I still felt unbelievably dizzy, every once in a while I would have to sit down and steady myself. It probably wasn't a good idea to let a vampire drink your blood when you're a severe anemic who has to live off of iron pills just so you wont pass out.

Hey, I never claimed to be smart.

I threw the paper towel, stained with my blood, in the trash can and stared back at the mirror. My eyes were that eerie pale blue they turn when I'm weak, my lips lacked all color.

I splashed cold water on my face, trying to stop the sick feeling in my stomach. I stood straight, trying to balance myself. The room started spinning, I grabbed at the wall, I needed something to hold. I felt my legs giving out, I fell forward and felt my head hit the corner of the counter, and I was out.

-Ten Minutes Later-

"Bella, wake up..."

My head hurt, I didn't want to open my eyes, but I knew that voice wasn't my mothers. It sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place it.

"Come on, wake up."

I slowly opened one eye, Josef was staring down at me, his brown eyes filled with worry. He had me laid on the couch in his office, he was holding my head in his lap protectively. I could feel a ice pack placed on the top of my head.

"You had me worried."

I didn't say anything, my head was hurting to bad to put words together, I just shut my eyes and enjoyed the fact that I was so close to him.

"Are you alright?"

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes once again. "I think so...my head hurts..."

I could tell by his facial expression that he felt that this was his fault. "Well you hit it pretty hard."

I started to sit up, the room spun before my eyes and I quickly laid back down. "Holy shit."

He laughed a bit, I glared up at him. "Why didn't you tell me that you were feeling bad?"

I shrugged.

"I didn't think I had taken so much...I'm sorry."

I shook my head, then grimaced from the pain. "It's not your fault, I should have told you, I'm anemic."

He stared down at me. "Yea, that's generally something you inform a vampire of..."

I bit my lip. "I knew you wouldn't bite me if you knew."

"You're right, I wouldn't have. It's to dangerous."

I smiled. "Oh come on, what's life without a little danger? Life's to short to live in fear...or at least, humans lives are to short...you're going to be alive forever."

He laughed. "I hope to be."

I sighed. "I don't see how anyone could wish to live forever, I personally, have no desire to live for 20 years much less forever."

He didn't speak for a while, I could tell he was thinking up something to say.

"I'm not going to argue with you anymore Bella, but I can't handle hearing you speak like that."

I sighed again and tried to clear the fuzziness from my brain. "I've never been one to bite my tongue Josef, I say what I feel or think, and I never feel guilty about it."

He stared down at me, I knew what he was going to say, but it didn't make it any easier to hear.

"Then I think it would be best for us not to talk to each other anymore."

I tok a deep breath and nodded. "Yea, that would probably be better for both of us." I attempted to sit up again, this time the room didn't spin and I was able to make it to my feet without falling.

He stood up and gave me a small smile. "Goodbye Belinda."

"Goodbye Josef."

He bent down and placed a quick kiss on my cheek. I couldn't help but feel like I was losing a big part of myself by walking out of his office. In the past few months he's affected my life so much, and just because he can't accept my life style I'm losing that.

But I'm a stubborn person, so is he, I guess this is how it will be.

I shut his office door behind me and stifled a laugh. I was able to make it out to the balcony before bursting into loud hysterical laughter. My mom always told me a suffer from 'church giggles'. I laugh at funerals, I laugh at the worst times, I laugh so I won't cry.

I held tightly to the railing, it was the only thing keeping me from jumping. My laughing quieted, and I started to calm down. I squeezed my eyes shut and gripped the rail even tighter.

I fell to my knees, my whole body shaking, all I wanted to do was run back to him.

But I can't, because that means he wins, and I don't lose.

"God dammit." I bit down on my lip as the realization hit me.

I had fallen in love with him. Somewhere in between the arguing, kissing, and bloodshed I had fallen for him.

I shook my head, no I can't, love doesn't happen for people like me. I had never been in love before, I don't deserve love because I wouldn't appreciate it. I can't be in love with him. It's impossible.

No, I'm not in love with him, I am attracted to him, that's all it is. It seemed like the more I said it the more unbelievable it became.

My hands were numb from holding the rail, I let go and tried to get the feeling back. I needed to do something to get my mind of off him. I sat back on my butt and tried to think of anything but him. My head was pounding, I tried to focus on that, I'll take physical pain over mental pain any day.

I scooted back until I felt the cool concrete on my back. I was tired, maybe I could get some sleep, and then when I wake up I'll realize that he is a asshole and I don't want anything to do with him.

Somehow I don't think that's possible.


	12. Build God, Then We'll Talk

Along with the people inside  
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy  
Inside, what a wonderful caricature of intimacy

Tonight tenants range from: a lawyer and a virgin  
Accessorizing with a rosary tucked inside her lingerie  
She's getting a job at the firm come Monday.  
The Mrs. will stay with the cheating attorney  
moonlighting aside, she really needs his money.  
Oh, wonderful caricature of intimacy.  
-Build God, Then We'll Talk by Panic! At The Disco-

My cellphone hit the wall with a resounding crack. My door flew open and mom stood there, worry written on her face.

"What the hell was that about?!"

"I hate him! I really really hate him! Seriously, if there was one person I could torture to death it would be him!"

"Who?"

"Dad, I just got off the phone with him, he's always harping on me about college, so I told him I'd figured out where I'm going to college...you know what he told me?"

"What honey?"

"He told me he didn't have to worry about paying for my college, with the rate I'm going I'll be dead before I graduate."

She walked over to my bed and sat down. "You know, I could pay someone to off him! It would be really easy."

I laughed and shook my head. "No, it's cool, he just pissed me off enough to make me want to do something drastic."

"Like what? You know I totally support your bi-sexuality, but getting a sex change is out of the question."

I shook my head. "No, I'm just going to make sure I'm around long enough to go through four long years at one of the most expensive fucking schools in the country."

Mom laughed. "Leave it to you to be the person to stay alive just to piss someone off."

I smiled. "That's what I live for, to make that mans life a living hell."

Mom stood up and smiled down at me. She leaned over and kissed my forehead. It amazed me how someone who was so intelligent could be so dumb at the same time. She hasn't noticed that I've been avoiding come up and seeing her at work. She seems to think I'm just being lazy at night, that's fine, it's probably for the better, mom doesn't need to know that I fucked up royally when it came to her boss.

I looked over at the cellphone smashed to bits against the wall. "Fuck..." I leaned over on the bed, making sure my mom was in the kitchen. "We do have insurance on this thing right?!"

Her only response was to laugh.

Bitch.

-3 Weeks Later-

I stumbled from the bathroom and into my bedroom. The room was spinning and it wouldn't stop. I felt mom behind me, she had her hand on my back leading me in.

"You shouldn't be hurting this bad! I'm calling that damn doctor and they're going to do something about this!"

She helped me lay down on the bed, I curled up into the fetal position, eyes squeezed shut trying to stop the pain.

All this started a few months back, things started going south with me health wise, and we couldn't figure out why. But the pain was new, I felt like my stomach was tied in tight knots. I heard my mom yelling at the doctor in the other room, cussing her out, which I'm sure didn't help the situation. But that's my mother for you.

If all else fails, say fuck a lot.

Another dizzy spell hit and I stuck my hand out to grab the nightstand, even though I was laying down I felt as if I would fall.

I heard my moms footsteps coming back into the room. I felt the bed adjust to the weight her small frame caused on the mattress. "They suggested I take you to an OBGYN, they said it's more than likely something to do with your ovaries..."

"Oh, yes because you know the pains not bad enough, I have to go see a fucking..."

My mom cut me off. "The appointments tomorrow, if this is what we have to do to make this go away, we will."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "I hate it when you pull the mommy card."

She smiled. "Well I do have a right."

"Shut up and go get me some alcohol."

-The Next Day-

"You okay sweetie?"

I bit my lip and looked over at mom. "Fucking fantastic! What girl wouldn't be fine after finding out that lovely bit of information?!"

Mom sighed and I saw her grip on the steering wheel tighten. "It's curable...it could be worse...it could be cancer."

I scoffed. "You do know, girls with PCOS have a higher chance of getting cervical cancer right? Or were you spaced out when the doctor gave that information?"

She shook her head. "I heard, but we're taking care of the problem, they said birth control should have it lightened up some in a few months."

"Well aren't we a ray of fucking sunshine."

She sighed again. "Okay! You're right! This totally sucks ass! You're going to be in pain for months, apparently you're diabetic now, which of course sucks! And if you ever do decide to get married you will probably not have kids...I understand, it sucks...but complaining about it wont help any!

"No, but it sure as hell makes me feel better."

She laughed. "But it doesn't help the situation, you gotta be positive honey."

"You can stay positive! Your ovaries aren't planning your demise!"

She laughed again. "Look at it this way, you have a free 'Loratab Land' ticket."

I smiled. "Good point."

I didn't mention the fact that my life was going to hell in a hand basket, how ironic that when I choose to live, I start having all of these problems.

Dad must be right, God really does hate me...I shook my head. No, I've given him no reason to hate me...

As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I grimaced as another wave of pain come on. I think I'd rather be weak.


	13. Mary Jane

**Note: I'm hurting like hell right now, and Loratabs not doing a thing! Seriously, this really sucks.**

Please be honest Mary Jane  
Are you happy  
Please don't censor your trears

You're the sweet crusader  
And you're on your way  
You're the last great innocent  
And that's why I love you

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish  
Worry not about the cars that go by  
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom  
Keep warm my dear, keep dry  
-Mary Jane by Alanis Morissette-

_"I don't think it's possible for your life to get anymore pathetic.."_Chela's voice held a hint of laughter to it, but there was also something else in it. Pity... I hate pity.

"Thanks that's really what I need to hear right now." I rolled over onto my stomach with a grimace, I could only take the Loratab every six hours, and after only three hours the pain would start again. I hadn't been to school for three days now.

_"We miss you, everyday at lunch, it's just plain weird."_

I sighed. "I sleep so much it's hard for me to miss anyone."

She laughed. "_Jeez, thanks."_

"Anytime love...Now let me go, my stomachs hurting and a hot bath would really feel good right now."

_"Feel better soon!"_

"I wish I could..."

I hung up the phone and dropped it on the bed. My bathtub was calling my name, I slowly stood up, making sure to not stand straight do to the pain I knew it would cause. I ran the hot water in the tub, knowing this would be the only relief I'll have until I can take my next pill. I eased into the water, it wasn't complete relief, but it was enough to make me not want to pull my hair out.

The doctor said this could go on for months, I don't know how anyone could handle this kind of pain for that long, I think I would rather just get my ovaries ripped out. It wouldn't hurt near as long.

I felt my body start to relax, my eyelids grew heavier, and I was soon in a peaceful sleep.

-1 Hour Later-

I woke up in a cold bath, it hurt to move, but I knew if I didn't I would get sick. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my shivering frame, the house suddenly seemed like an ice box. I stumbled out towards my room and to my bed, I didn't even bother to dress, I just wanted back into the comfort of my bed. The clock on the nightstand said it was midnight, I could have another pill, I grabbed the small bottle and poured out one of the pills out into my hand.

I watched the clock, it took 45 minutes for the full affects of the drug, and then I would be able to get some more sleep.

The minutes seemed to drag by until I felt the all to familiar floating affect of the Loratab. I felt myself dozing off, sleep was the only time I got some peace.

Not even five minutes later I was woken by the feeling of my bed shifting under someones weight. I rolled over and my drugged eyes tried to adjust to see who the person was.

I knew it wasn't my mom, the shape was far to manly.

My heart started racing, my mind was tricking me, it had to be. Maybe it was the drugs. The mans hand touched my face, no, it wasn't a dream.

I tried to get out of his reach and fell out of the bed.

"Don't touch me Patrick!"

I couldn't see his face completely, but there was something about him that seemed wrong.

"Bella..."

Oh shit. "Josef?"

"Patrick's in jail for a long time, you have nothing to worry about..."

"You should have said something instead of scaring the living shit out of me!"

I saw him move over and suddenly the dark room was illuminated with light from my bedside lamp. "I'm sorry, I didn't know what to..."

I cut him off with a wave of the hand. "You didn't know what to say?! Your Josef fucking Kostantin! You always know what to say!"

He stared down at me. "You have a lot of nightmares about him don't you?"

I nodded. "And they all end the same way..."

"How is that?"

"He kills me."

Josef stood up from the bed and walked over to me. He put his hand out to help me up, I think he was shocked when I actually accepted his help.

"What are you doing here?"

"Your mom told me how bad things have been."

"Your point?" I asked throwing him a rather mean glare. He just stared down at me, as if he wasn't sure what to say. I sighed. "Sorry, I get bitchy on drugs." He smiled and helped me back into bed. It wasn't until I was completely covered that I realized it. "I'm totally naked aren't I?"

He laughed. "Yes, but don't worry, I don't mind."

I rolled my eyes, suddenly embarrassed, but it had nothing to do with my nakedness. I never let on that Patrick still affected me, my mom didn't know I had those nightmares...hell, my therapist didn't even know. He crawled into the bed next to me, we just sat there in silence, I wasn't exactly sure of what to say, I felt like an idiot.

"What exactly is it?"

I turned my head to look at him, he was staring at me, confusion showing on his face.

I sighed. "Apparently my ovaries hate me...I have a bunch of cysts in and on the outside of my ovaries..."

He nodded. "What happens?"

"Well, it can cause diabetes...which apparently I have now..also getting pregnant is pretty much impossible. Not that I wanted to have kids, but still I liked the thought that if I wanted to I could you know?" He gave me a small nod. "And I have a higher chance of getting cervical cancer."

"Wow."

"Yea, sounds like fun doesn't it?"

"Oh, loads...is there anything I can do?"

I gave him a smile. "Short of cutting out my ovaries? No, I don't think so.."

"Doctor isn't a title I've had the pleasure of holding in my 408 years, so I'm sorry, can't help you there."

"Damn..."

"Isn't it funny how you finally find a reason to stay alive and suddenly there are all these things to make you life harder?"

I nodded. "Yea...I'm guessing mom told you about what my loving 'sperm donar' said?"

He nodded with a smile. "I personally would have went with your moms idea..."

I laughed, then grimaced and held my stomach. "Yea, well death would be quick, but if you really want to hurt him, go for his bank account."

He smirked over at me. "Death wouldn't have to be quick. I personally wouldn't mind having the honor of draining him dry."

I glared at him. "You'll kill my father but not Dr.Phil? What kind of a friend are you?!"

He laughed. "An awful one, you know, I only want to hurt people that actually cause you pain."

"Dr. Phil does cause me pain! Have I mentioned the baldingness?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "You know, I'm really not seeing a difference between you when you're drugged and when you're sober..."

"I really don't think there is one..."

"No, there isn't."

I smiled. "How is it that I can be so pissed that you decided to stop talking to me one second, then you come here, and I totally forget that I'm pissed."

He shrugged. "I guess I have that affect on people."

I rolled over to face him, he just stared down at me. "Thank you..."

"For what?"

I smiled. "Being here, I know it sounds weird, but you're comforting to me."

He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. "It doesn't sound weird, I'm just glad I can help."

I snuggled closer into him, he was rubbing his hand down my arm. I don't even think he understands how much him being here helped. It was as if no time had passed.

But I knew if it wasn't for the fact that I was hurting he wouldn't be here. He pitied me, and I hate pity.


	14. Everybodys Fool

Without the mask  
Where will you hide?  
Can't find yourself,  
Lost in your lies

I know the truth now  
I know who you are  
And I don't love you anymore

Never was and never will be  
You don't know how you betrayed me  
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.  
-Everybodys Fool by Evanescence-

When I woke up Josef was gone, I knew he would be. My head pounded, I was hung over from the drugs and I was hurting, I needed more. I pulled the bottle of Loratab from the bedside table, and downed a pill. I could hear mom moving around in the kitchen. I grabbed my robe and walked out into the hall.

"I just don't feel comfortable with finding my boss curled up in bed next to my daughter..."

I froze, Josef was still here, and he was talking to mom.

"I missed her."

I bit my lip and waited for my moms response.

"You missed her so you slept in bed with her? While she was naked...hmm..."

"She was under the covers, I was on the covers, there was nothing inapropriate about that."

I watched my mom take a deep breath then look back at Josef. "Bella has never had a boyfriend, or girl friend for that matter...do you know why? Here's why, it's a double edged blade, while you're dating that person everything is great, you're happy, but you're also setting yourself up for heart break. Bella can't handle anymore heart break in her life."

"I'm not going to hurt her Cherie."

"For the last five years I've had to sit back and watch my daughter slowly disintegrate into a shell of the person she used to be. Do you know how hard that is for a mother to do? To sit back and know there's nothing I can do to help her? I'm basically waiting for the day where I come in and find her dead in her bed. No mother should have to do that!"

Josef shook his head. "I'm not going to do anything to hurt her, that's not something you have to worry about."

"You wouldn't do it deliberately Josef, but Bella is delicate, if you say the wrong thing you can set her off. You have to learn what you can and cannot say around her..."

"Maybe that's the problem! People have been treating her like a porcelain doll, maybe if you didn't baby her so much she wouldn't be so fragile."

I saw my moms eyes narrow in anger. "How dare you! How can you possibly think you know what's best for her? I'm her mother! I've been here for the hell, I know what she needs, you don't."

"Have you ever asked her what she wants? Have you ever sat down and actually talked to her about it? Maybe if you made her tell you what she deals with everyday then it would help! Like you've pointed out, you are her mother, so stop trying to be her best friend!"

"If she doesn't want to talk about it I'm not going to make her."

He shook his head again, I bit my lip to keep from saying anything. I wanted to yell, to make them aware I was in the room, but I knew they would be angry with me for listening to their private conversation. I hated the stress I put on mom, I knew I caused her pain, but I didn't ever realize how much. Hearing her talk this way really opened my eyes to the hell I put her through.

"I just want to see her happy Josef, if you come around and she gets attached and then you leave...if you hurt her, I will not hesitate in cutting your head off."

"I would expect nothing less."

He turned and headed towards the door, he stared into the hall as he passed, making sure to let me know he knew I was there. I took a deep breath and stared back at him. He smirked at me and I watched him walk to the front door. It amazed me how he could make such simple movements so unbelievably sexy.

I found myself jealous of the door as he opened it.

I shook my head, envy of inanimate objects has to be one of the many signs that you have lost what little bit of reality you grasped.

I leaned against the wall, for that brief moment I had forgotten the pain in my stomach. I heard moms footsteps walking towards me and froze.

"How long have you been there?"

I bit my lip and stared at her, me and mom don't get into fights often, but when we do, they're pretty epic. Our fights are the kind that make wars seem like a minor disagreement.

"Not to long."

She stared at me, trying to figure out if I was lying or not. "Not to long? You said that War and Peace was 'not to long' so give me a better range of time here."

"I dunno, I just woke up."

She nodded slowly. "Josef was here."

"Nothing gets past you does it?"

"What's been going on between you two?"

I sighed, even though mom and I were close, telling her I was seriously attracted to her boss wasn't exactly on the top of my 'to do' list.

"Nothing, he was just checking on me...there's nothing wrong with that..."

"No, there's not, but no mother wants to walk into her daughters room and find her in bed with a man...much less her boss."

I crossed my arms. "You say that as if he was some 80 year old pedophile."

"No, he's 408 get it right."

"He sure as hell doesn't look it..."

"Yea because that's the perfect thing to say to me while I'm wondering if you've been fucking my boss."

"I haven't slept with Josef mom...don't worry, it's not going to happen."

She took a deep breath. "No mother should have to worry about that...seriously...I think I need to go see a therapist or something..."

"Go see mine, cause I really don't want to."

She seemed to be calming down some, which was good, I had successfully avoided World War III.

Mom leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Sorry, can't do that love." She walked past me towards her room.

I stood there for a while, not exactly sure what to do. I had to go to therapy today, I knew that much. Mom was probably getting dressed to drive me down there, under the influence of Loratab wasn't exactly the best time to be driving. I slowly moved from the wall and stumbled to the bathroom.

Welcome to another day of hell.

-Hour Later-

"How are you feeling today Belinda?"

I looked up at Dr. Nolan with a sarcastic smile. "You know, I've been coming to you for five years now, you would think you would think you'd be comfortable enough calling me Bella."

She shrugged. "I like to keep things professional. Why does it bother you me calling you Belinda?"

"Because I hate it...that name I mean..."

She narrowed her eyes in a curious way. "You seem angry...well...angrier than normal. What's going on?"

As I stared at her I felt a small part of the barrier break down. I don't know how she does it, but every time she can make me talk. I heard the words coming out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying.

"I've fallen in love with someone."

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping maybe I could erase the words from Dr. Nolan's memory.

"Who?"

I didn't respond, I just bit my lip.

"Belinda, you know, anything you say in here is completely confidential, you don't have to worry about telling me anything."

I glared at her. "I've been seeing you since I was 12, I think I know that by now." I took a deep breath then continued. "I don't want to say his name...that would just make it far to real for me. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I don't even know when it happened, or how, I just realized one day that I had fallen in love with him. No matter how much I hate the thought."

"Have you told him yet?"

I laughed. "Yea, think about that, I can't even tell you his fucking name. Do I really sound like I've been standing on a roof top shouting out my love for him?"

"There is no reason to be sarcastic."

I smirked. "No, there's always a reason to be sarcastic, it keeps me from telling people how stupid I really think they are."

She shook her head. "Taking your anger out on me wont help the situation any."

"No, but it sure as hell makes me feel better."

She ignored my response and moved on. "Do you think he feels the same?"

I shrugged. "No clue...I know he cares about me, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if he loves me."

"So he's a friend?"

I nodded. "You could say that."

Dr. Nolan leaned back in her chair with a sigh. "My personal advice with the situation would be to let it go. Don't act on your emotions, you're at a very fragile mindset right now and a man can make the situation even worse. You might be feeling this 'love' as a way of trying to feel like a normal 18 year old should."

I nodded, for once I liked her advice. I don't like the thought of being in love with Josef, it was far to scary to process.

I gave her a small smile. "Thanks Dr. Nolan."


	15. Fallin

Oh, oh , I never felt this way  
How do you give me so much pleasure  
And cause me so much pain  
Just when I think  
Ive taken more than would a fool  
I start fallin' back in love with you

I keep on  
Fallin'  
In and out of love with you  
I never loved someone  
The way that I love you  
-Fallin by Alicia Keys-

It was midnight, I should be at home, sedated...But no, instead, I had skipped my medicine so I could drive to go see someone.

As the car pulled up to his gate I tried my hardest to remember his code, there was no way in hell I was going to be climbing his fence tonight. I searched for my phone in the darkness of the car, once I finally found it I dialed his number.

"_Why are you calling me?"_

I sighed. "Because I'm sitting out side of your gate...open it."

_"Oh, no Circus acts tonight?"_

"Just open the gate."

I hung up and threw the phone in the seat next to me. I watched as the gate slowly opened, not sure if I was doing the right thing by being here.

I slowly walked up to his door, I saw his tall frame leaning against the open door waiting for me. Once I was finally standing in front of him, he smiled down at me.

"What are you doing here?"

I took a deep breath. "I think my therapist pulls Jedi mind tricks on me..." He laughed and moved out of the way for me to walk past him. As I was walking into the living room I continued. "I've been seeing Dr. Nolan for five years now, and she always gives me advice, and I always follow it, no matter how much I might disagree..."

He watched me, amusement written clearly on his face, as I sat down on his couch.

"What's your point?"

I looked down at my hands folded in my lap. "Today, she gave me some...really good advice, that I actually agree with. But for some reason I'm having a really hard time following it."

He sat across from me. "What was this advice?"

I bit down hard on my lip and closed my eyes. "To ignore the feelings I have for you." I opened one eye and saw him shift uncomfortably across from me. I felt my heart start to beat out of my chest, I stood up and started towards the door. "I'm an idiot, forget I said that!"

I had my hand on the door knob, the door was opening, then suddenly, the door was slammed shut. I continued to hold onto the knob, I didn't want to look up at him, I just stared straight ahead of me.

"You come in and say something like that and then run? Damn you would make a good politician!"

I glared up at him. "This isn't funny Josef."

He smirked. "Maybe you just don't have a sense of humour." He grabbed my hand and pulled it from the knob, then pushed me towards the living room. "Sit your ass down, you're not going anywhere."

This was unusual for me, normally if there is something that I don't want to deal with I can ignore it. Mom normally lets me ignore it, she lets me pretend it never happened. But I guess it's different with Josef.

I fell back on the couch and looked up at him, he was staring down at me.

"Is that what you normally do? If you don't like the way something is going or if you regret something you just run away from it? You don't try and fix it?"

I nodded slowly, suddenly feeling like a little girl being scolded by a parent.

"You can't always do that Bella, you have to deal with your problems."

"Well someones been a therapist in a previous life."

"I'm serious..."

I laughed. "And so am I! Seriously! Dr. Phil ain't got nothing on you!"

He crossed his arms and shook his head. "Can anyone stay angry at you?"

"My father...but he's a cunt, so he doesn't count."

He walked to the couch across from me and sat down. "Seriously though, you can't keep running when stuff gets tough."

I leaned back into the couch, trying to hide the smile that was forming on my lips. "I just realized that you are totally avoiding what I said earlier..."

He just stared at me and didn't say anything. I smiled. "You can't run when things get tough remember!"

"I'm not!" He snapped back, a slight pout on his lips.

I nodded with a smile. "Oh yes you are! Have you ever heard the saying 'practice what you preach?"

"That sayings been around as long as I have."

"Well then, practice it!"

He sighed and leaned foreword. "Okay, these feelings you have for me. What are they exactly?"

I shrugged. "I don't know exactly."

"As helpful as that answer was, I need you to elaborate some."

"Isn't knowing that I have some amount of feeling for you enough? I mean seriously, you're asking a lot here."

He laughed. "Now look who's dancing around the question."

I sighed. "You scare the shit out of me...there you happy now?!"

"I...scare you?"

I chewed on my bottom lip, my words had possibly hurt him. He was thinking my fear of him had to do with the fact that he was a vampire.

"Yea, you scare me, but not for the reason you're thinking." I took a deep breath and tried to get comfortable on the couch. "You make me feel something besides anger or pain, when I'm around you I'm happy or content, even when we're arguing I'm happier than I am when I'm not around you...so yea...you scare me." I looked up at him, he had a small smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. I rolled my eyes. "Okay, so maybe I do love you...great...now what?"

He laughed. "Leave it to you to say something meant to be special in a such a sarcastic way."

I rolled my eyes again. "Yea well, maybe I'm special that way."

He nodded. "You are."

"Okay...your turn."

He shook his head. "This wasn't about me, it was about you."

I glared at him. "No, you're not going to leave me hanging on this Josef, I need to know if this is a one sided thing or not."

He stood up and started to pace, I waited impatiently for him to finally answer, it seemed like hours went by, but I knew it had merely been five minutes.

"Josef...are you going to answer me? Cause you're kind of worrying me here."

He stopped pacing and looked down at me. "I don't know."

"You don't know?"

He shook his head. "I know that I feel something for you, but I don't know if it's love."

I nodded, it was a better answer than I was expecting, I honestly expected to be laughed out of his house. "I don't know if you know makes me feel better or not..."

He nodded. "Same here..."

I stood up, he watched me with curious eyes. We were both unsure what to do around each other now.

"I guess I'm just glad to know that I'm not alone in this whole situation. It's nice to think that you're just as confused as me."

"Maybe even more confused..." He said with a small smile.

I laughed. "Somehow I doubt that."

He closed the distance between us and pulled me into a hug. I could feel the coolness of his skin beneath his clothes and it took everything I had to not run my hands underneath his shirt. He pulled back and left a kiss on my forehead.

"You better get home, if your mom finds out you're here she'll kill you...and me."

I smiled. "408 year old vampire afraid of a 5'8 woman?"

He shrugged. "Your mom can be scary at times."

I laughed. "Trust me, I know."

He put his arm around my waist and walked me to the door, once we were outside he opened the car door for me.

I smiled up at him from the seat of my car. "Night Josef."

He smiled back. "Goodnight Belinda."

He shut my door and I watched him as he walked back up the drive. For some reason I didn't mind it so much when he called me Belinda.


	16. Come Together

He bag production he got walrus gumboot  
He got ono sideboard he one spinal cracker  
He got feet down below his knee  
Hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease  
Come together right now over me

He roller-coaster he got early warning  
He got muddy water he one mojo filter  
He say "one and one and one is three"  
Got to be good-looking 'cause he's so hard to see  
Come together right now over me  
-Come Together by The Beatles-

"Are you sure you're ready to go back?"

I smiled at mom from the door. "I'm still hurting, but I can't keep missing school, so yea, I'm ready to go back."

She sighed and kissed me on the cheek. "Call me if you need anything."

I nodded and shut the door, a week out of school had been a hellish experience. I'm not exactly in love with going to school, but I hated being stuck at home all the time.

-Later-

"Oh my God, she's alive!"

I glared at Mrs. Goutroux, my fifth hour Journalism teacher, we had always had a good relationship. She was one of those rare teachers that you could actually be yourself around.

"Yes, I'm alive, aren't you happy."

She grimaced. "Actually I enjoyed my brief time without you, it was like a mini vacation."

"Oh haha, you missed me and you know it."

She smiled and placed a piece of paper down on my desk. "Correction, I missed your writing...I have a new article for you. But it does require you to go down to a certain news room and talk to another reporter."

I grimaced. "Buzzwire? Oh God you know I hate that place!"

"Oh come on! You're the only student I trust with something like this, all the other ones are to immature! Besides, it gets you out of your last two classes...I know how much you hate American History."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "I really don't like you anymore."

She smiled at me. "Besides, you're such a great people person!"

I scoffed. "Me? A people person? Get off the pipe Mrs. Goutroux."

I stood up from my desk, making sure to grab the paper off of it. I snatched the Journalism pass from her hand and stormed out the door.

-An Hour Later-

Buzzwire, I swear, it never changes. If you ever thought, hey, I would love to work inside of a beehive that's experimented with ecstasy, then it's the perfect place for you.

Don't get me wrong, I love the fast paced life. Hell, I live a semi-fast paced life, but this is way to much. Journalism is a great love of mine, but if this is what I will be subjected to, then no thank you, I'll stick with Psychology.

I know, ironic, but I figure I've been in and out of a pshyc ward for most of my teen years, I know a thing or two. It's what I know...

"Bella? Back again?"

I looked up to see Beth Turner walking towards me with a bright smile plastered on her pretty face.

I gave a small smile. "Mrs. Goutroux sent me to get some information on an article."

Beth nodded. "I know which one you're talking about, something about Tax Fraud right?"

"That would be it."

I followed Beth back to her desk, there was a man sitting there, couldn't be more than thirty, with dark hair. He smiled at Beth and I knew that there was more than a friendship there.

Beth ruffled through some papers on her desk then handed me a folder. "That's everything, I figured I'd put it together for you. You make it quite obvious you don't like being here."

I laughed. "I think that's an understatement."

She smiled. "What? Don't like the worker bee vibe?"

"I hate it, it's as if no one is human, they're just running around like robots. Seriously, I wanna stand in a corner and trip someone just for the hell of it."

They laughed, I took a deep breath, they thought I was joking. I wasn't.

I turned back to Beth. "Thanks for this Beth, I really didn't want to stay to long."

She smiled. "No problem, good luck with the article."

I turned and started to walk away with a smile. "Oh yes, here's hoping for an A!"

I was a total bitch, I knew that, I couldn't open my mouth without sarcasm coming out. Something my therapist had warned me about since I had been seeing her. Maybe she was right, it would get me in trouble one day.

The sun was blinding as I left the building I dug for my sunglasses as I walked towards my car.

"Well hello Bella."

I jumped and dropped my purse. When I looked up Mick was lounging out on my car.

"It's shit like that, that gets your ass staked."

He laughed as he bent down to pick up my purse for me, he handed it back to me still smiling.

"Remind me never to get in a footrace with you..."

He shook his head. "What?"

I rolled my eyes and went to get into my car. "We just left the same place and yet, you beat me out here by like...a minute at least."

He smiled, but chose to ignore my comment. To look at him you would never know he was a vampire. When I was little I chose to believe that he was human, cause he just didn't seem to fit the normal stereotype of a vampire.

Yes, I said stereotype, like you know, Josef has that whole 'lurking' thing down quite well, not to mention his ability to look at you and suddenly make you feel like it's feeding time at the zoo and you're the tasty piece of meat being dangled in front of the tiger.

"So how have you been? I haven't seen you since..."

I smiled at him. "Since the wonderful night you saw Josef carrying me bleeding to the hospital?"

He nodded. "Yea then."

I shrugged. "Okay I guess. I'm not exactly going to be joining the Suicide Hot-line team anytime soon, but I'm decent I guess."

Mick nodded again and I couldn't help but smile. He was far to sweet to be Josef's friend. When I was younger, he always brought me some sort of treat up to the office. He would have made an awesome father had he ever had the chance.

I sat down in the soft seat of my car and looked up at him. "It was good seeing you Mick."

He smiled. "You to Bella, take care of yourself." He shut the door for me and I watched as he walked back into the building.

I wonder if Beth knows? With the way they were looking at each other she has to, they had that whole 'wait till I get you home' vibe to them. Anyone who has had sex with a vampire has to know that they are in fact a vampire. It's kind of obvious.

Not that I've ever had sex with a vampire, but I have heard a few things.

I felt my phone vibrating next to me as I pulled out of the parking lot. I picked it up and looked at the I.D. quickly. Here I am talking about sex with vampires and Josef calls.

Coincidence? I think not.

"You really have impeciable timing..."

_"Why? Are you naked?"_

I laughed. "No.."

_"Well then, my timing isn't all that great now is it?"_

"Well when you put it that way..."

_"How are you feeling?"_

I sighed. "Um...honestly? I'm hurting like hell and it's taking everything I have not to pull over and rip my own ovaries out of my stomach..."

_"That good huh?"_

"The moments memories are made of." I said with a sarcastic tone.

_"Anything I can do?"_

"Do you know any OBGYN's willing to do a complete hysterectomy on a 18 year old girl?"

_"Can't say that I do."_

"Well then no, there isn't anything you can do."

_"Maybe you coming over to my house tonight for some dinner will help."_

"You're asking me over for dinner?"

_"I know, it's unusual for you, I'm actually inviting you over, you're not calling me from the drive way. But I think this way is better for the both of us."_

"Oh haha, my questioning tone was due to the fact that you're a vampire and don't eat food. So you inviting me over for dinner could be a honest invite for you to sit and watch me eat or that your freshies are pulling some weird protest and you're hungry."

He laughed, I couldn't help but smile. _"My freshies are not protesting, the invite is innocent I swear, you come over, I watch you eat while I drink a nice glass of AB positive. You know, the normal."_

"Any sentence that contains the words 'AB postive' and 'drink' isn't detailing a normal event."

_"I could argue that."_

I rolled my eyes. "Fine...what time should I be over there?"

"_You could get here about eight."_

"Okay, I'll be there, just remember, I don't like spinich , I'm not a big fan of pork and if you put a salad in front of me I will laugh at you without any guilt."

He laughed. "_I'll make sure to remember that."_

I smiled. "See you then."

_"Yes, you sure will."_

He hung up and I couldn't help the rather obnoxious smile that was on my face.


	17. Don't Let It Go To Your Head

**Note: I'm not to sure about this chapter, it is kind of weird...I dunno...**

I had a porcelain doll  
I held on to it so tightly  
But when it broke, I swore  
I'd never hold on to something that tightly again  
Don't let it go to your head

Just cause I can't go on  
Just cause I die when you're gone  
Just cause I think of you in bed  
Don't let it go to your head  
Don't let it go to your head  
-Don't Let It Go To Your Head by Fefe Dobson-

When I got to Josef's house that night, his gate was already open for me. He knew I wouldn't keep him waiting. The night was unnaturally cool, I shivered as the wind blew a bit a cool air up the pencil skirt I was wearing.

"I knew I should have worn pants..."

I rang the doorbell and not to long after a young maid answered it. She looked at me with a not-to-happy smile. "You must be Belinda."

I nodded. "Yes and who are you?"

"I'm Kelsey...why?"

I stepped past her with a smile. "Oh it's nothing,it's just do to your obvious distaste for me, and the fact that you probably prepared my food I just wanted to know so that if it's poisoned I'll know who did it." She stared at me in confusion and I rolled my eyes. "I guess a high school diploma is not required for your line of work is it?"

She narrowed her eyes at me and shut the door. "Mr. Konstantin is waiting for you in the living room."

I smiled. "Thank you Kelsey."

I walked past her and into the lush living room. Josef was relaxed back on the couch, a gorgeous smile fixed on his face.

"Evening Bella."

I smiled at him. "Good evening Josef." I sat back on the couch across from him, giving him my best smile. He stood up with a smile and grabbed the bottle of scotch and poured me a glass. He handed it to me then returned to his former seat.

"How are you feeling?"

I shrugged. "Hurting like hell, but what's new there right?" I took a big sip from my glass.

He smiled. "It will get better."

I sighed. "Will it? Cause I'm not so sure..."

He nodded. "I'm sure it will, just give it time. I bet you're sick of hearing that, but it's true."

I opened my mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Kelsey walking into the room. "Dinner is ready."

Josef stood up and offered his hand to me, I'm not sure who was more surprised that I took it, him or me. He led me into the dinning room, I saw a nice big plate of Alfredo pasta sitting on the table for me. Once we sat down I picked up the conversation where we had left it off.

"The next person that says that to me will get staked, vampire or not..."

Josef laughed. "What? About things getting better?"

I nodded. "I am so sick of hearing it."

He smiled. "Duly noted."

I smiled and continued to eat, we sat in a comfortable silence, both content with the current company. Once I had finished my bowl of pasta Kelsey cleared it off the table for me, then came back out with a plate holding Boston Creme Pie.

"You are officially trying to make me fat."

Josef laughed. "Funny, I expected your reaction to be different, you don't seem like the kind of girl to worry about her figure."

I shrugged. "I used to do gymnastics and shit like that, and I occasionally go running with my dog, but other than that I really could care less."

He smirked. "Gymnastics? Oh God, what's next? Ballet?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Yes, gymnastics...yes to Ballet as well, but I got kicked out of it..."

"I'm scared to ask...but why?"

I smiled. "I beat up one of the other girls."

He laughed. "How old were you?"

I bit my lip and stared at the plate in front of me. "Five..."

He laughed again. "Well, I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one you have pent up aggression towards."

"I do not have any pent up aggression towards you!"

He nodded. "Uh, yes you do. You threatened to stake me if I didn't leave you alone."

I rolled my eyes. "Boy, you really can hold a grudge can't you?"

He smiled. "Well you did..."

"Yes, I did, and it worked, you left me alone remember?"

"Only because of your threat, all I kept thinking was of you staking me and hiding the body. No one would ever find me!"

I laughed. "It's so funny to know that you're scared of little ol' me."

He smirked. "Don't let it go to your head."

I just continued to smile as I took a big bite of the pie in front of me. I'm really not supposed to be eating this, the sugar was going to give me the biggest headache ever. But I didn't care, it looked to good to pass up, once again, intelligence isn't my strong point.

I finished the piece of pie with a big smile. "So, now that you have officially fattened me up, what now?"

He shrugged. "What do you want to do?"

I stood up quickly, a grin never leaving my face. "Swim."

He laughed. "Swim? You just ate, besides you don't have a bathing suit."

I sighed. "So what if I just ate, that whole cramp and die myth is just a myth, and if I do start to drown you can save me."

He stood up with a sigh. "You have no bathing suit." He said slowly, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "What are you going to swim in? Your birthday suit?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You wish...come on Josef, I hadn't gone swimming since I was like...ten." I whined, hoping maybe he would give in. "Please?"

He shook his head. "You're welcome to swim, but there is no way in hell I am."

I smiled. "Thank you!" I walked past him, back towards the living room where the french doors out onto the pool were. I stepped out onto the deck and the cool air sent shivers up my spine.

I heard him walk up behind me. "Your shivering, how in the hell are you going to swim?"

"It's a heated pool, it will be better when I get in."

He shook his head. "You're nuts."

I rolled my eyes and started undoing the buttons on my shirt. I slipped it off my shoulders and threw it onto the ground and few feet away. I could feel his eyes on me as I slipped out of the pencil skirt.

"You sure you don't want to join me?"

"Positive."

I smiled and threw my skirt at him, he caught it with a grin. My arms and legs were covered in goosebumps, I ran my hands over my arms trying to warm myself as I walked to the end of the large pool.

I took a deep breath and dove in. The water was warmer than I expected, but it felt amazing. When I surfaced he was still leaning against the door frame staring at me in amusement.

"There, you're swimming, are you happy?"

"I'd be happier if I had some company."

He smirked. "I think Kelsey is done with the dishes, if you want I can get her to swim with you."

I glared at him. "I'd rather not, she's pretty hostile towards me, she might try to you know, drown me."

"You make friends everywhere you go don't you?"

I nodded with a grin as I swam towards the shallow end. "Yea, what can I say? I think its my kind and gentle personality."

"Funny, that's not to words I would use to describe you. Bitchy and sarcastic yes, but not kind and gentle."

"And yet you invited me over here." I swam to the edge of the pool and looked at him with a grin. "So what does that say about you?"

He pushed off the door frame and walked closer to the edge, but stayed far enough back so I couldn't pull him in. "That maybe I'm attracted to bitchy, sarcastic women."

I smirked. "Well, Mr. Konstantin, it sounds like you have an addiction, maybe you should get some rehab."

He shrugged. "I'd rather feed this certain addiction, it's more fun that way."

I splashed water at him and he backed away quickly. I just laughed. "Why have a pool if you don't ever swim?"

"So I can watch hot, half-naked woman swim."

"Wow, you really are a pervert."

He just laughed. Kelsey walked out and laid a towel on one of the lounge chairs.

"Are you going to get out anytime soon?"

I laughed. "I just got in, besides the water feels really good."

He looked at his watch then back at me. "Well the way I see it, you're going to have to get a shower, it's already ten o'clock, don't you have school tomorrow?"

I smiled. "It sounds like you're trying to get rid of me."

"No, not at all, I just want to get you naked in the shower."

"At least you're honest." I said with a smile as I swam towards the steps. He walked over and grabbed the towel and was holding it for me when I stepped from the warm water into the cool air.

He wrapped it around me and I smiled up at him. "You're just using this as an excuse to hold me."

"Whatever it takes."

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my clothes. "Now, where is this shower?"

-30 Minutes Later-

My hair caused a large wet spot on the back of my shirt, but I ignored it. I was trying to get some of the curls to lay down. My hair is nothing but spiral curls which tend to get tighter when wet, it looks messy and I can't stand that.

I dug through my purse and found the rubber band I keep in there and put my 'mane' up in a pony tale. If all else fails, just put it up.

My skin was still red from the hot shower, a difference from the normal pale porcelain that it is. I took one last look in the bathroom mirror before walking out. Josef was waiting for me in the living room, waiting to tell me goodnight.

The night was over, I knew that, but I couldn't help but wish it wasn't.

I still wanted to get him in that pool, but who could really blame me? I really wanted to see him wet, his clothes sticking to that perfect chest I knew was hidden beneath those designer suits he always wears.

I stopped and took a moment to regain my composer, I was already overheated from the shower, I don't need to have thoughts like that, it will just make my blood pressure even higher.

When I finally got to the living room he was sitting on the couch with a glass of scotch.

I smiled at him. "The water was a little hot."

"So I can see."

I sat down across from him, making sure to keep the distance between us. The thoughts of him soaking wet still running through my head. I just hoped that I wasn't blushing.

It's almost as if we have some unspoken agreement, we don't talk about the fact that I'm in love with him or the fact that he's unsure of what he feels. I guess it's better that way, talking about it would just make things awkward between us, and I don't think I could handle if we lost the ability to be comfortable around each other.

"I guess...I should be getting home..."

Josef looked up from his glass and at me, he gave me one of his dazzling smiles, it defiantly didn't help keep the previous thoughts at bay.

"Yea, that might be best, it's getting late."

I nodded. "And you have to get to the office...I'm sure they miss you." I stood up, a small smile on my face. "Well Mr. Konstantin, thank you for a lovely evening."

He stood up and took my hand, leading me to the door. The coolness of his palm against my warm one gave me morbid thoughts. If he wasn't vampire, he would have been dead, in the ground, his beautiful body rotting into dust. He probably in history books somewhere, maybe as a prince, or lord. Or maybe just an heir to millions. I have a hard time believing that Josef came from nothing. He had a personality that could only be formed from having money from a very young age. I couldn't imagine him having to beg for food as a child, or serving another person.

"You're being awfully quiet...is something wrong?"

I never met his eyes, afraid that he would know I was lying. "No, everything is fine."

He squeezed my hand, as if to tell me he knew I was lying, but he wouldn't push it.

As soon as the front door opened I felt the cool breeze and shivered.

"You get cold easy don't you?"

I looked at him with a shrug. "Yes, I do, but I love the cold."

He smiled at me from his spot leaning against the door frame. "Goodnight Belinda."

I smiled. "Night Josef."

As I walked towards my car I felt like the night still wasn't over, this wasn't the right ending. I stopped and took a deep breath and turned back to him.

"What's wrong?" He pushed off the door frame and took a few steps out into the night.

I didn't say anything, I just stood there, biting my lip and willing my body to move. And it did, just in the opposite way that I wanted it to.

I found myself wrapped in his arms, my lips pressed against his in a fierce kiss. When we finally separated I just stared up at him, a dumb smile on my face. "Nothing...nothings wrong now."

With that, I turned and walked back towards my car.

That was the perfect ending.


	18. You Were Meant For Me

**Note: I was going through some of my other stories and was like "oh my God, these are awful..." so I'm thinking I'm gonna go back through and re-write them after I finish with this story, though I really don't know when this one will be over...I dunno...what do you guys think?**

I called my momma, she was out for a walk  
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didnt wanna talk  
So picked up a paper, it was more bad news  
More hearts being broken or people being used  
Put on my coat in the pouring rain  
I saw a movie it just wasnt the same  
cause it was happy and I was sad and  
It made me miss you oh so bad cause

Dreams last so long, even after youre gone  
I know, that you love me and soon you will see  
You were meant for me and I was meant for you  
-You Were Meant For Me by Jewel-

As my feet pounded the pavement my thoughts drifted back to last night. Each beat of my heart was another subtle reminder of the way he made it skip beats last night.

Mia, of course, knew nothing of this as she bounded next to me in her far to happy to be alive way. She was playing the all to important role of protector as I ran the streets of our neighborhood. I was to distracted to pay attention to anything, if it wasn't for the constant tugs on the lead, I probably would have forgotten she was there.

I felt a painful burning sensation in my knee and decided it was probably smart to slow down. I slowed to a walk, Mia looked up at me with an appreciative face. She wasn't meant to run like this, when we got her I knew that, but I did it anyway. It didn't hurt her, she was just naturally out of shape.

"I'm not slowing down for you, so don't smile at me like that."

I am one of those weird people who talk to their dogs like they are humans, I've gotten several strange looks from strangers. When people find out that me and mom keep an 140 pound Bull Mastiff in our house, they tend to refuse to come over.

She stays in moms room mostly, because otherwise, I would never get any homework done. What can I say, that dog is my life.

As a jogger ran towards us, I could see the hair on Mia's back begin to stand up, she pulled on the lead to walk in front of me, making sure, even if he wanted to, he couldn't come anywhere near me. I watched her watch him as he past, she kept her post in front of me.

"You're a moose you know that right?"

I saw my street sign and sped my walk up some, all I wanted now, was a hot bath, and maybe a therapeutic movie night. Just me, Mia and the cast of History of the World.

Sounds good to me.

I sighed as I rounded the street corner towards our house, suddenly wishing I would have skipped the pie last night. It's amazing how a small treat like that could make me sick for the next three days. I felt weak and nauseated, but I didn't let it affect my everyday life...as they say, life goes on.

I unhooked Mia's lead as I entered the house and she jumped up on the couch in exhaustion.

"You're pathetic..."

She just wagged her tail and barked at me.

Mom had already left, I could tell by the quietness of the house. Normally when moms home, she has some random rock band blaring from her stereo.

I stripped as I padded to the bathroom, I ran the hot water in the tub and waited patiently for it to fill. I slid into the hot water slowly, my muscles in my body tightening from exhaustion and reacting to the hot water. I closed my eyes and tried my hardest to relax, but every time I did I had that same vision from last night.

Josef, his designer suit sticking to his wet chest. Him walking towards me, that sexy smirk on his beautiful lips.

"Dammit..." I had no desire to take a cold shower.

Barely five minutes went by before I heard Mia growling angrily, then I heard her nails skid across the floor, I could only guess she was charging the door.

I quickly got out of the bath and wrapped my towel around me, I ran out into the living room, looking out onto the scene before me.

Mia was at the door, staring someone down. All the hair on her back was standing at attention and her lips were curled back showing the large teeth in her mouth. I looked up at the person standing in the doorway and couldn't help but laugh. Josef was standing there, glaring down at her, hissing, to much like a cat for my liking.

"Mia! Go to your room!"

Mia looked up at me with a sad face, she gave Josef one last growl before walking past me towards moms room. I quickly walked behind her and shut it, the last thing I needed was for her to decide to not listen to me and attack Josef. I have no doubt he would kill her, and honestly I don't think I could live with that.

When I walked back up to the living room, Josef was standing there, still obviously pissed off from the encounter with Mia.

"I didn't know you had a dog."

I laughed. "What? You couldn't smell it on me?"

"You always smell like dogs..." I sent a rather mean glare his way and he smiled. "You're a dog groomer are you not? It kind of comes with the territory."

"I only work there on the weekends that I'm not with dad...it shouldn't be that strong..." I shook my head. "Wait...when did you get a key?"

He laughed. "I've been having a key, how do you think I've been getting in here all these times?"

I shrugged. "I really don't know."

He smiled. "I'll wait, you know, if you want to go get some clothes on."

I looked down, I had forgotten I was in a towel. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. "Sorry, I'll uh...go change..."

He laughed. "Oh trust me, it doesn't bother me."

I glared at him then turned and walked to my room. He seemed to enjoy just popping in and catching me at the worst possible times. Whats next? Finding me curled up on the couch cramping from my period? Yea, that would suck big time.

I put on some pajamas and grabbed The History Of The World from my DVD collection. When I got back out to the living room he was sitting on the couch waiting for me.

"So is there a reason you're here or were you just bored and wanted to come bug me?"

He smirked. "I didn't realize I bugged you."

I shook my head and put the DVD in the player. "You mind watching a movie?"

"Depends on the movie, if it's some sort of chick flick, I'll be out of here before the previews start."

I smiled. "Remind me to invest in some chick flicks..."

He laughed. "Do you really want to get rid of me that much?"

I walked over to the couch and fell back on it in a lazy way. I laid out on my back and looked up at him, a small smile on my face. "Honestly?"

He nodded. "Of course."

"If it was up to me you'd never leave."

He looked down at me with a smile, then laid his hand on my stomach. I smiled and scooted as close to him as possible.


	19. Happiness Is A Warm Gun

She's not a girl who misses much  
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand  
Like a lizard on a window pane  
The man in the crowd with the multi-colored mirrors

On his hob-nailed boots  
Lying with his eyes while his hands  
Working over time  
A soap impression of his wife which he ate  
And donated to the Nation's Trust  
I need a fix cause I'm going down  
Down to the bitch that I left uptown

I need a fix cause I'm going down  
Mother Superior jumped the gun  
Mother Superior jumped the gun  
Happiness is a warm gun  
Happiness is a warm gun  
When I hold you in my arms  
And I feel my finger on your trigger  
I know that nobody can do me no harm  
Happiness is a warm gun, mama  
Happiness is a warm gun  
-Happiness Is A Warm Gun by Alanis Morissette-

"Don't you find it strange?"

I looked up at mom from the plate of take-out in front of me. "What? That you ordered me Lemon Chicken instead of Boneless Spare Rib? Yes I find it very strange."

Mom dropped her fork onto her plate loudly and glared at me. "I mean you and Josef, I'm not sure what's going on, but something defiantly is."

I smirked. "In 1943, the United States Navy attempted something called the Philadelphia Project, where they attempted to make a ship invisible. The ship did go invisible from the New York port and was seen in another state across the country less than fifteen minutes later. When they found the ship in New York again, half the crew was missing and the other half was fused to the ship itself…"

Mom gave me a weird look. "What the fuck does that have to do with anything?"

I smiled. "Nothing is weirder than that."

She laughed, and then her face grew serious. "Wait…is that true?"

I shrugged. "Urban legend…no one really knows."

"Oh, that is creepy though…"

I just smiled, I had successfully steered the conversation away from Josef and I with that little myth. Because the truth was, I had no idea what was going on between me and Josef, and if mom forced me to talk about it then I would have to admit that I was clueless. Last night he stayed with me throughout the whole movie, just sitting there in silence. No one spoke, but it was probably one of the best nights of my life.

He makes me totally comfortable, and that's rare for me. Normally I feel like people have hidden agendas and I'm constantly on guard, but with him it's different. Somehow he isn't that way. He makes me feel as if he has nothing to hide.

"Hey, kiddo, you keep staring that hard you'll cause brain damage."

"I've never heard of getting brain damage from staring to hard."

She smiled. "No, but it sounded good, you know, kind of like if you go outside with wet hair you'll get a cold."

"Seriously, how old are you again? Because I forget…"

She laughed and went back to her dinner. I tried to enjoy the rest of mine, but I couldn't get my mind off of Josef. So I resorted to taking my pent up anger on the chicken in front of me. Anger was my emotion of choice, it was much better than depression; it didn't hurt near as bad, and love only makes you tired. Anger is good, it gives you energy, and you can feed off of it. Love and depression just makes you tired.

"If you're done abusing your chicken, I'd be happy to take the plate to the kitchen."

I looked up at mom with a small smile. "Yea thanks…"

She took the plate from in front of me and walked to the kitchen, I tried to find something else to think about but I couldn't.

I laid my head down on the table in exasperation. "Fuck me…"

-Next Day-

I put the car in park in front of the doctor's office with a sigh. I didn't want to be here, I hated this place. Every time I came they reminded me how bad off my condition was and then proceed to remind me that even though I'm in pain they still wont do surgery.

Doctors are fan-fucking-tastic aren't they?

I waited thirty minutes past my appointment time before the nurse came to get me.

"You lost another five pounds…are you eating right?"

I stepped off the scale, glaring at the nurse. "Funny, I don't remember a doctor title before your name."

She didn't say anything else to me, just led me to a room. She asked me a few questions about my medication then left.

Dr. Posey was in less than five minutes later, which shocked the crap out of me, normally I spend at least thirty minutes waiting for her to come in.

"Your blood work came back."

I raised my eyebrow at her in confusion. "And….?"

She sighed and sat on the stool next to the bed. "I think we should pull you off your anti-depressants, it's not healthy."

I laughed, but she didn't, she stared at me, unsure of what to do. I stopped laughing abruptly and gave her a look of shock. "You're not joking?"

She shook her head. "No, I think we should slowly take you off of them, they're not healthy for you."

I laughed again. "Last time they even lowered my medication I was found trying to drown myself in my own bathtub. So no, we're not taking me off of anything."

She sighed and put my chart on the table. "You can't live on medication your whole life…Look I don't know your reasoning for being on them, but 99.9 percent of the time it's because you think you have a problem."

10, 9, 8…fuck this…. "Look, lady, you're not my therapist, and you're right you have no fucking clue why I'm on the medication so don't even pretend to know anything about it!"

"Bella, calm down, I just want what's best for you…"

I slid off of the bed in anger and stormed out of the room, I heard the doctor following close behind, and trying to say things to calm me, but it didn't work. Before pushing open the door to the waiting room I turned back to her. "If you haven't already guessed, this is me…leaving…and don't expect me to be back."

I slammed the door behind me, I was being over dramatic I knew that, but I couldn't help it. The thought of being taken off of my medicine scared me to death. Because I'm trying my hardest to live, I'm trying my hardest to find reasons to live, and I know, as soon as they lower the medicine I would do something stupid.

I threw the car in reverse and sped out of the parking lot. I should go back to school, I know I should, it was only eleven o'clock. But I couldn't handle it, I was worried. Dr. Posey sometimes calls Dr. Nolan to discuss my medicine…what if Dr. Nolan agrees about taking me off of my medicine?

That would suck….

-An Hour Later-

I dug for the piece of paper containing Josef's gate code. I finally found it at the bottom of my purse. I know he'll still be asleep, but I need to talk to him.

Isn't it funny how I run to him when I'm upset?

I pounded on his front door and waited impatiently. The maid, Kelsey, soon opened the door.

"He's still asleep."

"I know…but I need to see him…" I pushed passed her into the house and ignored her protest. I had no clue where his room was, and even if I did, it was probably locked. I tried to remember the layout of the house from when mom was a freshie.

I turned back to Kelsey with a sigh. "Please, just bring me to him, I know he'll be pissed at being woken up, but I'll take all the blame."

She sighed, and then started walking towards the stairs. I followed close behind her; she led to a thick wooden door. As soon as she unlocked it she turned back to me with a smirk. "Good luck."

I waited till she had walked back down the stairs before opening the door. I tried ignoring the cold air, but I couldn't help the shivers that ran down my spine. I walked towards the large freezer in the center of the room, slightly nervous that he would tell me to leave so that he could get some sleep.

I stared down into the glass lid; even in the cold air I could feel the heat of a blush on my cheeks. He was naked, and I certainly didn't mind the view. His body was far better than I could have ever imagined, from the solid chest all the way down to the defined abs.

I shook my head, I had to stop otherwise, I'd never be able to look him in the eyes again. I pounded on the lid as hard as I could and waited for his reaction. His eyes opened and he glared out the glass, it took him a second before he realized it was me. The anger soon changed to confusion. He pushed the lid open and sat up.

"What are you doing here? And why are you waking me up?"

I bit my lip. "I uh…had uh…."

He laughed. "Is my current state of undress bothering you?"

"If by bother you mean is it making me want to forget all of my doubts and jump your bones right here and right now, then yes, you're bothering me."

He smirked. "Yes, because that gives me a good reason to put something on."

I sighed. "I'm scared…"

He raised his eyebrows in confusion. "In general, or is there a certain reason for your fear?"

I took a few deep breaths, trying my hardest so ignore his naked body in front of me. "They want to try and take me off of my antidepressants and it scares me."

He nodded. "You're shivering, go into the room beside this one and wait for me. We can talk more in there."

Maybe it was the fact that he was being so caring or the genuine worry on his face, I closed the space between me and the freezer and pressed my lips against his ice cold ones. The room suddenly didn't seem so cold anymore. The only thing I could feel was the pressure of his lips against mine. I shivered as his cold hands ran down my back and under my shirt. I slid my hands across his chest, feeling the firmness of the muscles beneath the smooth, cold skin. His strong arms pulled me even tighter into him, any concern for my warmth clearly forgotten. He was up on his knees, and I was trying my hardest to get even closer. He started to trail kisses down my jaw and on my neck. He nipped at my skin playfully, the coldness of the room made my nerves seem even more alert to the painful pleasure his teeth caused against my skin. He continued to bite, but never broke the skin, I knew he wouldn't. He knew how sick I was, and the damage it could cause.

"You don't listen to well do you?" He mumbled into the bend of my neck.

I laughed. "No…I don't."

He put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me back a bit, a smile never leaving his lips. "You have to get out of here before you get sick."

I suddenly remembered how cold it was in here, I felt the shivering of my body and the goose bumps on my arms. I gave him a small smile and a nod, and then backed away, eyes never leaving his body.

I felt the warmth of the air outside of his room and stopped, I shut his door, still in a daze.

I can't believe I just did that…

I took a deep breath, and then walked to the room next to his. The bed in the middle of the room was a large sled bed. I smiled and pulled the sheets back on it and climbed in, I was still freezing from being in his room so long.

I sat there waiting for maybe ten minutes at the most before he walked out in lounge pants and a t shirt.

"Comfortable?"

I nodded with a smile. "I always am around you."


	20. God Bless The Child

This child is homeless, that child's on crack  
One plays with a gun, while the other takes a bullet in his back  
This boy's a beggar, that girl sells her soul  
They both work the same street, the same hell hole

Hallelujah, hallelujah, God bless the child who suffers  
Hallelujah, hallelujah, let every man help his brother

Some are born addicted and some are just thrown away  
Some have daddies who make them play games they don't want to play

-God Bless The Child by Shania Twain-

"Do you really think they'll lower your medicine?"

I looked up at Josef from the cup of tea in my hands. I gave him a weak smile. "Yea, I really do…but I don't think I'll survive if they do."

"Didn't they try lowering it before?"

I nodded with a bitter smile. "As soon as the change took affect my mom found my in the bathroom trying to drown myself in the tub…they raised it back up after that." He pulled me to him and I just tried to relax. I looked up at him with a sigh. "You can smell me, I haven't been cutting…or carving, I've been really good lately…"

He smiled and kissed my forehead. "I know, and you have no idea how happy that makes me."

We sat in silence, every once and a while I would shiver from him being so cold, he would just smile and pull me tighter. I finished the hot tea and set it on the table next to the bed; I felt the last remains of the teas warmth down my throat, and the pit of my stomach. But I enjoyed his coolness so much more. I snuggled back into him, trying to get back to my previous position.

"If they do lower it, you'll be okay…I'll make sure you're okay."

I nodded into his chest and squeezed my eyes shut, I didn't want to think about this anymore, I just wanted to enjoy my time with him and not be distracted by the thought.

I heard my phone ringing in my purse and rolled over to grab it, the clock read 3:00.

"Shit, that's my mom…" I pulled the phone out and answered it with a grimace. "Hello?"

_"Get your ass home now." _ I heard the phone click and then silence.

I sat up quickly and looked at him. "Mom's pissed…and I'm not sure why."

He nodded. "I heard."

"Fuck…"

-Hour Later-

When I opened the door the house was quiet, never a good sign in this house. I walked into the kitchen and saw mom sitting at the kitchen table, holding a new bottle of prescription medicine. Her hands were shaking wildly.

"Momma…what's wrong?"

"They lowered you ten milligrams…apparently they don't think you need it anymore…"

I bit my lip and stared at her. "What's the point of doctors if they're not going to help?"

"Last time it was five milligrams and look what fucking happened…and they're going to do ten now." She took a deep breath and threw the bottle to the other side of the table. When she looked back up at me I could see all the anger in them. "Where were you today? The school called, said you never came back." I didn't respond, just looked at her. She scoffed and shook her head. "Why am I even asking? I know where you went! You went to go see Josef; you know how bad that hurts? That you run to him when you're scared instead of me? You go tell him what's going on, and I have to wait to find out when the pharmacy called telling me to pick up your new medicine!"

"I'm sorry…"

"You're sorry? Well that changes everything, forgive me for being angry! I'm your mother Belinda Dawn, just because we don't act like it, doesn't mean it's not true. I deserve to know these things first! Not my boss…why would you go to him and not me?"

I bit my lip and looked at the floor. "He makes me feel better…I'm not scared when I'm around him." I started giggling, and then busted into full out laughter. My mom stared at me from the table, then stood up and walked to me.

She pulled me into a hug. "I didn't realize…"

I couldn't talk, I just kept laughing, she knew better than to push the conversation any further. She just held me in a hug and kept repeating that it would be okay, that we would get through it.

I disagreed; I knew I wouldn't last a week.

-3 Days Later-

I felt the familiar tugs of depression get worse as the day went on, it doesn't take long for the medicine to get out of my system and my body to adjust to the new amount. American History had to be the most boring subject there is, which isn't good. My mind tends to drift when I get bored, and when I'm depressed, the places my mind drifts to is never good.

My mental health isn't exactly a secret around school. In eight grade I divulged my secrets to a supposed 'friend' and the next day, everyone knew about it. Apparently, she enjoyed ruining peoples lives….I didn't know that about her until then.

As the teacher droned on in front of me I felt a tap on my shoulder from behind me. I turned around to see who it was. I didn't know the guy, I'd been in this class with him for a year and he never spoke to me before. "Yes?"

He gave me a smirk. "So, say you're on an island and you don't have your medication…would you like go totally crazy?"

The few people that heard the question laughed. I just glared at him. "How long did it take you to come up with that one?" I turned back around, trying not to let my anger get the best of me, all it takes is one more detention and I'm suspended for a week. Not exactly my idea of a vacation.

I heard them whispering behind me and prayed the bell would ring soon.

-Later-

I dropped my tote bag next to the door in my room and stumbled over to my bed. I fell back on it, in pain mentally and physically. I smirked as I laid there, the fates were against me, it was blatantly obvious that I was meant to go through hell before dying a bloody death.

I ran my hands over my face, trying to block out the thoughts running through my head. A thought about the Derringer I knew was back hidden in my mom's closet, it was loaded, it would take all of five minutes and I would be done. A thought about the sharp pocket knife tucked underneath my mattress.

I smiled, rolled over and stuck my hand underneath the mattress. I felt the knife and pulled it out.

"Well hello old friend." I flipped it open and smiled at the gleaming silver. I pressed my thumb against the blade, testing its serration; the skin on my thumb broke and saw crimson pool around the blade.

I turned my head to the Ihome sitting on my bedside table. I turned my music up as loud as it would go, and then turned back to the blade in my hand. The familiar sharp, cool feeling of the blade against my wrist was morbidly comforting. I watched the blood follow the knife down my arm with a melancholic smile. My arm was soon drenched in my own blood; I felt the dizziness from the blood loss and realized just how deep I had cut.

I could feel my own heart slow down, my breathing became ragged. I started laughing, the circumstances of the situation just too much for me to handle.

I smiled. "I know this feeling…"

I was dying.


	21. Seasons Of Love

In diapers, report cards,  
in spoke wheels  
in speeding tickets  
in contracts  
dollars in funerals and births.  
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.  
how do you figure our last year on earth.  
figure in love  
figure in love  
figure in love  
measure in love  
seasons of love  
seasons of love  
-Seasons of Love B from Rent-

"It would be selfish of me, to stand up here and wish that things were different. To wish she was still here, but what can I say? I'm a selfish person. I'm supposed to tell you all great stories of her life, tell you all about her, although everyone here knew her. I'm sure everyone here has their favorite Bella story. I think it would be impossible for me to pinpoint my favorite story. Anyone who knew us knew we were best friends, the mother title never fit me correctly, but best friend did. Bella got her first tattoo when she was fourteen, and the obsession continued from there. She once said 'your body is a canvas, the more scars, colors, and holes, the more beautiful the picture.' She was only eleven when she said that. Every mother swears they the best daughter, they say there is no one smarter than their daughter, no one can run faster, or sing better. All I have to say is I know there is no one more special than my daughter."

Cherie stepped away from the casket, running her hand across the wood mournfully. The preacher stood back up and read some scripture before leading the group out to the graveyard.

It was a small funeral, only close family. Chela and Celeste were hugging each other and crying as they watched the casket lower into the ground. Everyone that mattered was standing out beside the grave. Except Josef.

Back in the shadows of the trees he stood, staring coldly at the funeral group.

"I hate funerals." He said with a small sigh.

"Are they crying? Cause I hate it when people cry."

He turned his cold eyes down. "Yes, a few of them are."

"Well fuck, you know, it's not bad enough I have to attend my own funeral, now I have to sit here knowing my friends are crying."

He smirked. "Your mom put on a good show in there; she only looked at the rafters a few times."

I laughed. "I know…I was making funny faces at her trying to screw her up."

"Wow, even after death, you're still a total bitch."

I heard footsteps and looked around the tree that I was hiding beneath. Chela and Celeste were walking from the graveside, still holding onto each other, their bodies shaking from crying. I scrunched my face up. "Don't cry over me loves, I'm certainly not worth it."

Josef knelt down in front of me. "I don't know, you had me pretty torn up the other day."

I smiled. Josef had found me three days ago, lying in my own blood on my bed. When he found me, I had lost so much blood there was nothing he could do. He said he acted before he could think twice. When I woke up I was lying in a freezer with him.

Not exactly an experience most people can say they've had.

Shockingly, my mom wasn't near as angry as I thought she would be, I expected her to yell. But she didn't, she cried for a little bit, but she said she was just happy that I was still alive….sort of.

"Josef, I don't feel well."

He nodded and helped me to stand. "I know, it's the sun, let's get you out of here."

-An Hour Later-

"You know what's sad? My last meal was school lunch."

Josef laughed as he held me on the couch. The two glasses of blood sitting on the coffee table were half empty.

"Well it's not exactly like you were in good enough condition before I turned you to grab a quick bite." I smiled and rolled so that I was straddling his lap. He smiled up at me and tugged on the black hair that fell around my face. "I'm glad you dyed it back."

I smiled. "Red stands out to much, I'm supposed to be dead, so I don't think it would be wise for me to have a bright color on my head."

He nodded. "You're right." He took a handful of my hair in his hand and pulled me down to meet his lips.

Things have been a lot different between us since he turned me. It's as if in the last three days we've moved from that awkward stage to what we are now. I defiantly like it here a lot more than the awkward stage.

The only thing I really miss about life, besides my friends, is my bed. The freezers okay, it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world, but it's not too bad. But I really miss my bed, the smooth sheets and warm comforter.

But death has its advantages too. Living with Josef is the main one, sleeping in the same freezer as him, waking up to his face every afternoon.

The best part, I don't hurt anymore. It's as if after he turned me, all the pain I lived in just disappeared. I'm not talking about the physical pain; the mental hell that I lived in, it's gone.

"Ew, not exactly a sight a mother wants to see."

I pulled back from Josef and looked up to see mom standing in the doorway with her hand shielding her eyes. I laughed and moved off of Josef to sit next to him. Mom sat down on the couch across from us, a grimace still showing on her face.

"Seriously, I think I'm going to be scarred for life after that."

I know it must be hard for her, sitting across from a daughter who is technically dead. Having to live alone now, and not able to openly hang out with me anymore. I got up from the couch and walked over to her; I sat next to her and hugged her. It was hard for me to, even with all the perks of living with Josef, it meant I wouldn't be around her all the time and that sucked.

"I promise, in a few years, when everyone has forgotten about me, we'll go shopping or something."

She laughed. "A few years? Well I don't know, I'll have to check my schedule."

"You can always just fly to New York and shop; there are benefits to having a private jet you know…"

I gave Josef a smile then turned back to mom. "He has a private jet, which means I have a private jet by association…how fucking awesome is that?!"

Everyone laughed at my enthusiasm, but I didn't get what was so funny. I was more than thrilled over the fact that I would be living in luxury for the rest of eternity. And as the years go on things can only get better.

Wow, was that a positive thought? I think it was. I guess things really do change after death.


End file.
